My wife and I are still not talking. Its more on me than her to be honest on here. She was raised on moving on without expressing her feeling or trying to fix whats obviously broken so I know that she won’t come to me. I’m usually the one to be the ambassador or peace but, not anymore-sorry. My reasons are many but just to name one, it’s the same issue that has not been resolved.
My wife and I have intimacy issues.
Let me go back to set the stage. We separated almost 2 years ago for a few reasons one of them being intimacy. It’s not that she doesn’t give me any, she does. It’s that she does it because I ask not because she wants to which doesn’t make me feel good nor should it. I’m not one to share my feelings but, when we got back together, I promised to work on my issues. That being one of them. Broken childhood. I always felt that most people want to know what your feelings are especially people I have been with. Not, to hear and try to work and resolve but just to know. So, after awhile, I never divulged my feelings in my relationships. I operated on listening and helping and loving but my deepest hurts and desires I kept to myself.
So, when we got back together, I dropped this veil. I wanted to do my part to make sure we have the best chance at making it. I told her about how I felt about our love making and her being so submissive and how it made me feel. She said that she would work with me to make me not feel that way and this was encouraging to me. So, we got books, toys, videos, well, I did of course and the first time went well…..
And that was it. We had sex after that but, mostly with me campaigning for it which made me get that feeling again. So, I called another meeting of feelings. She suggested she go see her doctor. I thought this was a great idea. I wanted to make sure she was physically and mentally okay. Thank god, she was. So, she promised to try again and I agreed. Well, we did and ….
Here we are. I haven’t said much in almost two weeks. I also rescinded my openness. I’m respectful as always and I still love her very deeply. I still make dinner, coffee and worry about her until she gets home. I still sleep alongside her but, while she is asleep, I’m wide awake. From exhaustion, I dose but my mind cannot leave the fact that if things don’t get better, I will call it quits. Intimacy, isn’t everything. But, without it in a marriage especially, a young one like ours, I cannot survive with out that part of love from her. At least not yet.