Someday I’m gonna post a photo of my ultrasound here.
Heyyyy. What’s up stranger. I’m Ubay.. eww that sounds so formal and fake lol. Hmm.. 23 years old, PHILIPPINES!!! Anyway, I’m stressed out on life. I don’t know how I feel right now. I’m almost 25 weeks pregnant so I guess the emotional roller coaster is normal. I love this online diary because I can just say whatever I want without anyone knowing who I am.. public yet private yey! My perfect little outlet.
Moving on…. Just a brief of my story here. As I told you, I’m pregnant and I’m in love with my baby daddy. I love him, like I’m obsessed with him. But the truth is we haven’t talked to each other for more than a week now. Haven’t talked to him that much either before that so I’m feeling a bit left out. But totally our choice.. not to talk to each other and stuff.
See we’re both Christians. Well, I wish I’m a true Christian but my heart confuses me sometimes. Anyway, my baby daddy Monty, well he cheats. Cheated? I don’t know, because I really don’t know what’s happening in his life right now. We were together for almost 5 years, and the cheating went on for the last year of that relationship. It wasn’t like a regular thing, or I guess it was? I meant it wasn’t an emotional relationship with another person kind of thing, it were conveniently accessible sexual acts that he participated on. And to top it all of, he did it with guys. You know, the casual things gays do I guess haha. He didn’t pay for anything, he just discovered that people are willing to do it with him, so he did. He discovered places where gay men do that to each other casually, and he wanted to participate… so he did. It wasn’t like butt sex or anything (well that’s what he told me) but hand jobs and blow jobs were involved, and he participated both ways. Hahahaha I can’t believe I’m typing this right now. That was so R-18 hahaha! Anyway, not blaming myself or anything, but during that time we were really trying to abstain for God, so I guess he just needed an outlet or something. I know it wasn’t a valid excuse, I knew that he already had sexual desires for other men before anything even happened. I mean if I were in his situation…. I have sexual thoughts with other women too, and if it were convenient enough to actually do it, I would’ve easily give in. And I know you (whoever is reading this) are thinking why would I put up with someone who I know is like that? I guess this is a very optimistic thing to say, but he’s very honest and I can see that he really wants to change. I sound like an innocent victim in a movie haha! Even after knowing all that, for a while I cried and felt bad of course, but after a few weeks or months we were back to normal again.. with added trust issues, of course. But he was really owning up to it. He’d slip off to that dark side every now and then but then he tells me right away…. well I hoped so. I’ve forgiven him already in general, but I don’t know. Sometimes when I think of the things he did, I can feel this anger within me just wanting to scream at him and hurt him in every possible way.
I read Christian articles about cheating husbands. The author tells her reader that she doesn’t truly trust his husband after knowing that, but then she trusts God and what He is doing in his and her life, so she goes on with the marriage. God’s timing is perfect, even the time she discovered that her husband was cheating. I guess this is a better way of looking at it, I mean if ever I decided to go on with my life with Monty.
I have a choice, you know. A hard decision to make actually. Even with this baby around, I can choose whether I marry Monty or not. During this time of no communication I seriously am rethinking about being with him for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love him. He’s the most amazing person I know. We’re in-sync in so many ways. But thinking about our future together. He’s a slacker, and he’s not very responsible in his actions. He has to get his act together for our son. But I know him. Working consistently hard is not him. If ever he does get a decent job, I’ll just be waiting for the day he decides to quit. Because that’s what he is, a quitter. He has no confidence in himself and he needs help in so many areas in his life. Totally not the man I Imagine I’d be with.
But to be honest, in spite of everything I just said, I love him so much. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I miss him so much everyday. I don’t know if this is accurate or not, but I feel like a better person when I’m with him. But, you know, emotions lie.
Walking with the Lord is hard work. You really have to discipline yourself into continually learning about Him and His work. But lately, not talking to Monty and everything, I really don’t have the drive to learn His word. I feel like a little brat who won’t stop crying and whining when she doesn’t get what she wants. I really feel that way right now and I don’t want to stop. I don’t want to stop stomping my feet until I talk to Monty again. Oh wait, did I tell you why we don’t talk anymore?
Our church actually counseled us regarding this, that it wasn’t spiritually helpful for us to be together. One, because we were still having sex before marriage, hence the baby. Two, because of Monty’s whole gay thing. And three, because I’m obsessed with Monty. These are three major sins that we need to repent and walk away from, and talking to each other doesn’t help solve this whole thing.
I have the support of the whole church, even my family’s actually, but it’s just hard going through this pregnancy without Monty. Going through ultrasounds is extra difficult without someone else being happy with you watching every baby’s kick. I guess it’s very petty, and I know my friends and church mates are happy with me, but it’s just not the same. He’s the only one I’m in the same position with. We’re both the parents, you know. And I know it’s super hard for him too. I know him. He actually cried the last time I saw him, he told me it was because he really missed me. And I believe him. I’ve been bugging him everyday for the past five years, I guess it’s not something you just forget, plus we’re having this baby so I know it’s extra hard for him right now. But actually I don’t truly know because as I told you repeatedly, we haven’t talked lately.
But now I just know, I miss Monty.
Last week I discovered that my baby’s a boy so I’m stressed out thinking of the perfect boy’s name, and also I’m stressing out on cloth diapers haha. I keep thinking at the back of my mind, this isn’t supposed to be a one man job. So I miss Monty even more lol.
I’m unemployed right now so I feel useless and my belly’s getting bigger by the week I think so I feel big. So that’s my status right now, big and useless.
Tomorrow or for the next days I want to rant about my unemployment to stay tuned! Hahahaha!