So, there’s that…

At this point in my life I feel pretty certain I must have a shitty person in my past lives. I’m far from spectacular in this life, but I’d like to think the next me will have a far less maddening life. 

I know I’m not the only relatively still young mother who feels absolutely hopelessly helpless and out of control of her life. But you don’t ever really hear about those kind. Just the extremes. The ones who can’t do it anymore and hurt themselves or their kids. Or the cookie cutting, blogging, college fund savers. 

I’m in the middle somewhere. I would never hurt my kids. Ever. I would never hurt myself either, but I think about it more than I’d like to admit. 

I feel like unless you know what I’ve been through, it’s hard to understand why I’m at this point of my life. I don’t have any fascinating story, no rags to riches, no riches to rag, I haven’t suddenly found religion, or anything special. So I don’t know if I’m worth listening to. 

I’m at a place in life where I don’t feel like I belong. Mentally I feel so worn and used and broken. Physically my body aches on a constant. I don’t take narcotics. I’m terrified of becoming an addict. I’m terrified of being too doped to function. So I hurt. And struggle. And sometimes I want to give up. 

With 4 kids, my husband, and both of his parents, we are a full house. That I take care of. Meals, laundry, cleaning. 97% of all of it falls to me. I took it on myself, never thinking it would end up like this.

Lord knows my husband tries at times. But at times.  I should be accepting of this. He does after all work full time and nights to boot. I’m not ungrateful, I’m sure it may seem that way. 

I often feel like a single married mom. My husband has limited interactions with our kids, now I know he’d like more and I know he’s just trying to support us.  I’m trying to refrain from throwing the word ‘but’ around. But…. 

I have psoriatic arthritis, osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, and neuropathy. I take meds. And they help some at least for the arthritis and psoriasis. The rest of the pain is up and down depending on various things. The weather. If I’ve got a cold. If I’m under extra stress. And lately the stress has been astronomical. 

The last 12+ months have been a pain in the ass. 

Feb 2016 was my husband’s first surgery. Unexpected and unprepared for. We got our taxes and in my state of depression I couldn’t handle things. I wasn’t coping with the stress. So things didn’t get handled. But my husband did get a motorcycle. We struggled through the months. Bills constantly late and bank account constantly in the negative. He was still sick a lot. Then he hurt his knee in August. Light duty at work, but his manager didn’t have place for him. So we lost his income. Then an unrelated surgery in September. And finally back to work just before Halloween. Now even farther behind. The motorcycle is gone now. More missed work last week after being in a multi car accident because someone felt texting was more important than paying attention to the road. Beyond grateful my husband is ok. Knowing he’s ok is a relief. And I am, grateful beyond words. 

Now I have however, the added stress of a totaled car. Having to pay out for a rental until the insurance of the kid who caused the accident kicks in. Which could be a couple months. Struggling more. I can’t wrap my mind around it anymore. 

I’ve been handling things in a rather illegal fashion. I’m not proud. I’m just trying to keep from drowning. I just want things to be ok. 

So I’ve prayed on it. Not for some miracle or to have anything handed to me. I’ve prayed for guidance to help our situation. And I was delivered an accident. I was delivered a husband who sobbed, saying he’s “glad he didn’t die”. Me too. No amount of insurance settlement is worth my husband having anxiety over driving or being stopped at a light. 

But that’s what I got. 

While he learns to cope I’m left to take up the slack. I’ve taken so much slack the last 12+ months I have more than enough rope to go from coast to coast. 

So, there’s that. A small touch of my life. 

I never imagined this is where I’d be. I never imagined this is who I’d be. I’m afraid it’s too late for me now.

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