1/31/2017-Paranoid (11 PM)

I don’t know how long it’s been like this, months, weeks, days? Definitely every week by now, at least a few times a week. Yesterday I was up until nearly 3AM, afraid to sleep. I’m afraid that if I’m not watching my surroundings, someone will break in and get me? Or maybe that someone will sneak up on me and get me when I’m least aware? Not even sure why I’m this way.

I can’t fall asleep until I’m too tired to keep my eyes open any longer. I used to sleep with my cat, his breathing drowned out any noises and distracted me if I just focused on the sounds he makes when he sleeps. However, he scratches me, on my back, face, hands, chest, and neck. He lately has a habit of scratching up the walls and messing up the carpet, so I’m no longer able to keep him in here anymore.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I used sleeping pills yesterday, but sleeping was torturous. I feel a bit silly.I’m tired of having to go to bed this way. It sucks. I can’t even sleep when I want. 

I recently had gotten this colorful throw blanket with swirls and cute designs on it. It’s extremely soft and smells nice like laundry detergent since I washed it recently. It seems like the perfect time to relax, especially since vacation is basically over and I should try to sleep well tonight.

I just can’t though. No matter how hard I try, I’m just afraid. As if I’m constantly on alert.

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