Can’t sleep

I’m hyped up tonight.  I took my first exam and got a good score.  So I thought I’d ramble a little bit.  

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the first dominant man that owned me.  I didn’t know anything then.  I just knew there was something about it that pulled at me.  He taught me about myself and about life.  He was a bit older than me.  I remember a few things that stuck with me all these years later.  One was  to think before you speak.  He said before you speak out of anger think to yourself,  if you knew the person you were talking to was going to die tonight would you still say what you’re thinking?  Not sure why that stuck with me but it did.  He was into tpe which at the time I had no clue about or even that was what he was doing.  If you don’t know,  tpe stands for total power exchange.  I’m sure in an everyday situation it would’ve played at a lot different.  But in our case being quite a distance from each other I had to ask him before I did things like eat,  go to the bathroom,  played.  Another thing I remember was him telling me to memorize his body.  So I wouldn’t forget him.  He disappeared from my life not long after that.  I wonder if he knew and that’s why he made me do that? I found out many years later he had been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s and had Parkinson disease. He passed away four years ago.  

He never told me who or what I was.  He let me explore and discover for myself.  He would point out things he saw in me but if I denied them he didn’t push.  It wasn’t until about two years after him that I suddenly realized looking at submissive versus slave that I was slave.  I clearly recall how much that realization scared me but I didn’t know why.  It terrified me to the point I was shaking.  

Since meeting my Sir I’ve wondered about that.  He calls me his submissive.   He doesn’t like the way I was treated by my ex and wants me to know that I have limits.  When we first started talking,  I was talking to others as well.  One guy told me I can’t change who I am and I’m just trying to fight what’s really inside me.  So I’ve been thinking about that.  Is being with him going against who I am? 

Here’s what I came up with.  I am slave.  I myself have no limits.  I know that.  I can try to fight it but when his dominant side comes out so does my slave side.  But here’s the thing.  When you’re a slave and submit to someone, you give them everything.  Their limits become your limits.  With my ex,  he saw me as property,  which some might say he should and they might be right.  He didn’t have limits when it came to me because he didn’t…care what happened to me.  No,  he never physically went over a line but that was only because he wasn’t into that.  The sadist before him was essentially the same.  In any case of my submission their limits became my own.  Whether I liked it or not.  So my Sir? Yes I know inside I’m still slave and I’m sure at some point he will see that come out.  But his limits have become my limits.  His words of encouragement and his boundaries for how far I will go are there.  His limits say I have a choice.  I have a voice and opinions and feelings.  So while I may still be a slave deep down his limits keep me from crossing into that territory of giving up myself to serve him.  Could his limits one day change? Of course.  Once we see each other more he could change the limits and go further.  But I believe he has lines he doesn’t want to cross.  We all have them.  For my ex,  he didn’t care who used me but he had limits on who would whip or flog me. I’m sure as he grows more confident with himself and me his limits will change.  But I feel sure he will never take away my humanity. 

Realizing this has made feel very secure with him,  safe and actually loved.  It’s a good feeling.  It’s also making me insanely clingy.  I find myself wanting to make him proud in all aspects of my life.  I keep saying how all this is so new to me but it really is.  I feel like I’m safe to let go because he’s only going to allow me to go so far.  Which probably makes no sense unless you’ve ever felt real submission yourself.  I think maybe I found….the one.  And that scares me just a little and makes me want to curl into him and hold tight.  

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