I miss you Jonathan

I only found out last month that you died.  Your adopted parents didn’t even tell me.  It took me over four years to find out.  Maybe it’s better that way.  I truly believe if I found out when it happenned and had to go to another funeral someone would have gotten hurt.  The shock and pain is still here.  At least I can visit your grave.  As I told you so many times since I found out I am so so sorry.  I’m sorry that I was such a terrible brother.  I am sorry that I am such a weak person.  I am sorry most of all that you died.  You barely even started living.  Why???  Didn’t you know what happenned to Mom?  Did you think it wouldn’t happen to you?  Did you think you were invincible?  Or did you just not care?  I’m not angry at you, only for you.  I always hoped I’d see you again.  Deep down inside I secretly prayed for it.  I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away and letting you live your own life.  I’m sorry I was wrong.  I’m sorry for you.  I’m sorry I’m still alive.

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