A month long assessment of facts.

Dearest Journal;

It has been a while since I have graced your presence. Much of what I am going to share here this evening are thoughts that have been with me since I last updated. In lieu of his secret porn adventures, I did react without emotion and I have stopped caring. I did confront him about it in a roundabout way, but he neglected to be honest about it. I even offered to watch it with him, and why not! Back when I was with my abuser, he made me watch pornography late at night and told me my body would never be that hot. I felt like triggering my PTSD with the fiance because I am ignorant and in love with him. So then, it occurred to me. Why is it always me who has to be wrong, or not good enough? Why does that baton fall into my hand? Why can’t I ever be enough for someone and not have to worry if he will find someone in better physical shape or younger or whatever it is that makes a person tick. As far as my ex, he was just a sick manipulating psychopath. But, hold on … let’s look at these men for a minute. They are not exactly in good shape themselves and even if their bodies looked chiseled, I wouldn’t exactly call them pretty boys. How come every man I cross is so hung up on body shaming and looks when he is not one to judge?

I have had it! Women are not piles of meat for sale in a god damn market. Men or women hung up on people’s appearances are not mentally well. If one decides to date someone based on looks and not by who they are then that person will end up alone! I gained what … 5 or 6 pounds because I hurt my foot and cannot get up to work out and walk like I normally could. Oh my god it’s the end of the world! I’m done. Let him find someone else who’s body isn’t in as bad of shape. I bet money she will cheat anyways and it won’t last because petty relationships rarely ever do. On this note, I no longer believe in love and feel stupid for ever thinking I could be like everyone else; happy, loved, appreciated, and valued. For some reason, those things aren’t meant for me. I now finally accept it. After all, the fiance spends all his time at a computer. Whoever or whatever has captivated him can have him. They just need to beware of his judging comments.

His mother visits me a lot. She seems to know a lot about the fiance’s precious house shrine ex as well. Boy do I hate the sound of that woman’s name. That shouldn’t come as a shock to any of you. Being compared to her and walking in her shadow made me so bitter that if I ever saw her, I would puke in her face. I hate being like that because it isn’t even of my character, but people have a tendency to change even the kindest person. The fiance’s mother told me about how the fiance’s friend is currently with her and probably was well before those two drifted apart. Of course I had a feeling to begin with. The fiance used to tell me about how she sat around here on a computer for hours looking shit up then had no shame in asking him for large sums of money. That my friends is extremely pathetic and you know what’s worse? The fiance handed it over like a gullible fool as he was unable to see what I clearly could. She was flat out using him for all she could get!

That was another thing he tried to do to me. Comparing. He made some asshole comment about a dollar amount he spent on this relationship. Hold up! Hit the brakes! What he should come to terms with on that is that I never once asked him for anything at all, and I am dead serious. What he did spend on me or for me was his own doing and not anything I expected or asked for. So who’s fault is it really buddy? The day he put a dollar amount to “this relationship” was the day I quit him fully. I now understood that this dude has been literally handling me like one of his wonderful exs or probably both, or even all.

I also think he’s not been truly honest. 21 years with abuse taught me some dead serious observation skills that he has no idea I possess. He was so hell bent on trying to tell me I would cheat or my friends are evil and trying to get me to do sex stuff that it is all too obvious he is guilty of it, or he’s severely psychologically damaged. Either way, none of that is fair to me. Nobody out there has the right to judge me unfairly based on their own past why? Because I am not those people!

This may come as a shock to some of you but I have never been to bars so I have no clue what really goes on in there. I can base assumptions on books I read or movies I watched. I have only ever had sex with a total of 3 men, my fiance, my abuser, and a guy I dated in high school. Most of the so called sex with my abuser was actually brutally forced on me. According to my fiance, all anyone wants is sex! If I were to go out somewhere he would most likely accuse me of having sex! Know what that reminds me of? My narcissistic ex who accused me of anything that was capable of having sex. It’s sick, sad, and pathetic!

Now the kid situation, and the fiance’s can;t do no wrong ex and her kid. The fiance’s ex was so ignorant she allowed the school to medicate her 5 year old son with potent psych meds which alter a person’s neurotransmitters. Basically friends, this ignorant woman didn’t research the long-term effects to spare her son from a lifetime of misfiring brain cells. Sad, right? Mind you the fiance tried to tell me this woman is smart. I am sorry but I don’t see it, or she’s heartless about her own child. A developing brain at the young age of 5 should never be introduced to a heavy psych pill. Period. It’s a dumbing down of the child, purely. So the fiance compares this medicated kid to my non medicated children who grew up in the abuse. Wait a minute, hit the brakes again! How are the two the same? The fiance’s ex’s kid could do no wrong because eh, they zombified his brain thus disabling him from being a normal child who makes mistakes and has tough teenage years. It’s dehumanizing! Not only that, but that kid didn’t grow up the same way my children did. But wait, let’s hit that big common sense button right now folks. Who compares people at all period! Who does that! How can someone ever possibly think to take two separate people and compare them? It’s not possible, logical or sensible so why does he do it! Why? Because he’s too stuck in his past.

Ah ha! We have uncovered this monster! The fiance is so stuck in his past that he’s ruined his present and future so on that note, it’s coming to a time where I must bid him good luck with that. I survived a lot worse from my abuser and I refuse to ever live in a place where I feel lowly of myself because of some man. Why? Because I know I am way better than that.

I need to be alone. I need to finish healing and I need to get on my feet by myself and do it for myself. I may be in love with the fiance but he’s managed to make me resent him and I don’t like to feel like this anymore. I sat for a month looking at everything from every angle possible. I kept it all inside and I mulled over the facts time and again. This isn’t reacting out of emotion any longer. These are the hard facts staring me in the face.

Thank you for listening.

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