How did I get here?

Wish I was in my mother’s womb, back to when life was much more simpler for me. But instead I’m here, fighting with every thought in my mind and trying to stay sane. I wonder sometimes… what happened? How did I get here? I never knew my mom. Or my dad for that matter. I was adopted. From what I’ve been told, my biological mom was addicted to cocoaine and from there, heroine. She overdosed. They said it was a suicidal overdose. I wish I knew her. It makes me sad that she’s not here and some days angry that after she gave birth to me, she left me in the hospital. I wish she had a better life. I wish she wasn’t so sad and so addicted that she had to take her own life.

I’m sorry mom. That that happened. I’m sorry that you felt so lonely that you couldn’t reach out to anyone and turned to the drugs. I wish you were happy. I wish I was happy. Your decision to take your life had a consequence. You left behind three children. Me and my two brothers that I barely know. I was adopted by your sister. She would have been my aunt if you were still here. I call her mom though. And her children are my brother and sisters. Growing up wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. Alot of the time, I felt like they treated me differently. I could never talk about being adopted or you, period. When I did, I would get yelled at or given dirty looks or even in trouble. I was only a child, trying to understand. Now I’m an adult and I wish I never knew! My childhood was sad. I was depressed a lot. Then again, look at me now. Not much has changed. I deal with depression on a daily basis. I feel like I’m carrying what you left behind. You don’t know this but because of all the drugs you did while you were pregnant with me, it caused me to be born a crack baby. I think it has had an effect on me. For example, there are many times when I twitch out of no where. It was more noticeable when I was younger. I still twitch, just not as much. Anyway, I’m 28 now and married with three children of my own. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I’m a mess mom and I wish I had someone to talk to so that’s the reason why I’m on here writing. I need a place to release all these thoughts and feelings.

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