Is it awful to want a divorce to escape from my abusive father in law?

What am I doing with my life? this is a common question in my head as im sure it is in most young adults’ minds. this blog is not a pity party nor is it a cry for help. im just a regular girl with regular problems who has been through some irregular circumstances. if you stick with me, I am going to be pouring out my thoughts in categories. you see, I have some close loved ones. My husband(we’ll call him N), my great Aunt (Mimi) and some other people. I cant say these things to them. it would hurt my husband and disappoint my mimi. and her opinion is the world to me. I have not cheated or stolen or killed anyone. im a decent human. but this entry will just be about my marriage.

i’ve known my husband for 12 months and we have been married for 8. that’s right, I met him 4 months before we married. perfect love story. At the time I was in college, had a nice car and my roommate was my best friend. life was good. he was unemployed, dropped out of college and lived with his parents. but hey we were only 19 so you’ve gotta start somewhere right? he was everything I always wanted. The first time I met him I knew I would marry him. And maybe that was a great decision. but maybe it wasn’t. After my roommate and I had a falling out I had missed too many classes in college so to save my scholarship and grant opportunities I dropped out midway through my first semester. dropping out meant not living in the dorms. which meant I had to live with my mimi. N was fighting with his parents a lot so we decided to go ahead and get an apartment but I wouldn’t live with him if we weren’t married. My great uncle has the same rule. maybe that’s why mimi is his 5th wife.

So fast forward a month or so and we got married on a dock in my mimis big backyard. beautiful wedding even though I couldn’t afford decorations. we then live in our apartment for 6 months (the length of our lease). during that time N tells me he wants me to be a stay at home wife and he’ll provide for me. Ive never been the stay at home type but ill give it a go. in those 6 months he worked 4 jobs, quitting 3 of them and being fired from the other. we had some hard financial times. in those times His parents really helped us out. they gave us their extra commodities and a few pot roasts. we didn’t go without much. and im grateful for his parents helping us, but im very independent and N is not. he is a mommas boy. We lived 5 miles from them and they came over every day. Even when he was at work. I finally got to the point that I wouldn’t answer the door. they only wanted N. they loved me but only because he is the apple of their eyes. there’s nothing wrong with that. but many things bothered me. like..

1.)when N got a traffic ticket, it got sent to their address and they purposely opened it, came over, showed us and told us to let them know what we were gonna do and theyd help us. sounds sweet but.. don’t open our mail. idc what your intention is.

2.) while N and I were planning to move in December I didn’t have much money to get him a gift. I had originally planned to get him a 600$ watch. but I ended up only being able to afford a $1 back scratcher. This was great because he always wanted me to scratch his back. I told his father this and the day we were leaving (Dec.15) his dad comes out and gives him 2 backscratchers. 2. knowing that was the only thing I could put in his stocking.

3.) they called at least once a day. mind you, we see them every sunday cause his mother is pastor of a small church that we attend. and she would call over stupid stuff.

4.) would come to the apartments and work on N’s truck without us knowing. So N is excited that he gets to go put new oil in his truck and is looking into getting some expensive high quality and his father filled N’s oil up with cheap oil. as a “favor”

5.) my tire popped. no biggie. the tires needed to be aligned and I made plans and budgeted for new tires and an alignment and wasn’t planning on spending more than 100$. I found a great deal on tires. well, I get a call from his father saying he already bought me tires and I needed to bring the car to the shop to have it aligned right then and there. said I could pay him back later. $260..

I know to the average person these are all really nice gestures and I was patient. but it was all a matter of control. they still wanted control of N’s life. well did they ever think I needed control of my life. they frikkin dragged me to a progressive agency and set up car insurance for us and wanted our cars on their policy and when I said no they were hurt. I want my own policy. I want the experience of buying new tires and I can put them on myself, I don’t need to pay 100$ in labor. I can switch my car insurance on my own.

this all sound like me whining. but there’s things you don’t know about his parents. yes they are pastors of a church. yes they’re good people. but my father in law is abusive to N. and his mother never believed it. Physically abusive. once N hit puberty and fought back, the fights became minimal. I loathe his father. he gives my the creeps. When we first moved into our apartment and N quit his job I couldn’t afford to go to the Laundromat anymore so his parents let me do laundry at their house. that’s sweet but if I left and was a little late on coming back to switch the laundry, his father had already done it and in some cases had folded our clothes. and then he’d make comments on my underwear. “i touched little pink panties” and crap like that. just annoying inappropriate comments. he’d also make comments on our sex life like “look me and they eyes and tell me you don’t have handcuffs” just odd remarks.

Ive seen N and his father fight twice. Once when we were dating and the second time was the reason we moved out of state. at the time we lived on their property in a camper. after our lease was over they offered to let us live on their property with no rent while we went back to college. awesome. we could have our student loans paid off and have a decent amount in savings in a years time. expectations:

~we would have privacy still

~the camper would have running water, sewage and have all the workings of a normal tiny house

~its our home, we can decorate it and move stuff around.

~they would pay to fix the leaky roof and put skirting around the bottom since they had planned to make that a permanent guest house

these are all things they told us.

reality:

~no running water or sewage or heat( middle of December)

~they fixed the roof by strapping a tarp on the roof, and the skirting would be pipe lining, so basically another tarp.

~don’t even think about replacing the peeling off wallpaper

~and I had to go cook our meals in their house

~ oh yeah, and the front door didn’t shut all the way, we tied a shirt to it.

We lived in this dump that had great potential for about 3 days before I couldn’t take. we didn’t need to live there. they offered and we accepted. so we made plans to move to KY after the holidays. that way we could spend Christmas together and have a few months to save. so we went over to their house to tell them our news, which was about a 10 foot walk. N had never moved out of state and he was really excited. we tell them, shit hits the fan. they’re really quiet at first so to console them I say “its only a 12 hour drive” and before I can finish saying ” its a day trip to come visit you guys” his mother looks at me with pure hatred and says “whenever you have only one child you can say its only twelve hours.” alrighty then. im not gonna sit here and be talked at like im the enemy so I calmly get up to walk out and ( I have an attitude problem, his father has 3 other kids, so N’s half brothers name is Edward) I say “you have Edward, start loving him.” and I slam the door. my emotions got the better of me. I go into the camper and hear screaming and yelling and stomping. I grab my phone and the keys and go to walk back into the house when N comes into the camper. I asked him what happened. he said his dad got up to go after me and said “that bitch aint gonna slam my door” so N stepped infront of him and grabbed him by the shirt to stop him. N’s mom gets in the middle and then his dad swings to hit N but hits his mom instead. run through: n”s father hits N’s mother while trying to hit N. N’s father then proceeds to tell her that N hit his mother and she believes him. N tells his mom he didn’t hit her and tells her he loves her and she sais “no you don’t”. so I try to console N and he says its not fair how she always listens to him. so he walks back into their house against my advice. I follow him and he tells his parents “mom I didn’t hit you. I have job opportunities in KY and I have a chance to improve myself, moving isn’t a sin.” the whole time his father is pacing and saying “are you happy you knocked her teeth loose” N has had enough at this point and says “Fuck you” to his father. well most parents would yell and say get out of my house. N’s father grabs him by the arm and reaches for the knife drawer. I step inbetween them and hold his hand down while N tries to wiggle free and his mom is trying to break them apart. N’s father is a big dude so the fact that little 130 lb. me could hold his arm down shows how much adrenalin was pumping through me. at this point im done with his whole family. I get N out of the house and we go to mimis for the night. I am not allowed on their property now because they didn’t like that I wasn’t letting them lie about what had happened. N hit his mother. N’s father never tried to grab a knife. And I was completely disrespectful. this is all in their eyes. we move to ky 3 days later with 500$ in our pocket. with two vehicles to pay for gas.

now you might be wondering why the hell I would want a divorce from someone I had been through so much with. He’s just like his father. his laugh. the shape of his arms. his mouth. the way he talks. his anger. his hair. I cant help but think of the day we have kids and N’s father will want to hold my son or daughter and it would take 1 second for him to throw her or hurt her in any way. if I don’t feel safe then why the hell would I put my future kids through that. I cant tell N to cut off his relationship with them. that’s not fair. I want a divorce. I want him to leave. I want him to be happy but not with me. I don’t want to grow old with him. I don’t want to have to see his family again or have their genes in my childs DNA. N is a wonderful husband. hes sweet and caring and understanding but we had issues before this. I just don’t know how to tell him. its only been 8 months. how could a newlywed want a divorce? he’s young so maybe his work ethic will improve? maybe he wont be so immature in future years. maybe he will lose weight or find the motivation to want to be healthy. (hes 285 lbs.) Im not attracted to him. our sex life is nonexistent and I have no passion for him.

but I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to disappoint my mimi. and ill be 20  years old and divorced. who does that? I want him to get a job, save up some money and move away from me. sometimes I really love him. sometimes I see why I married him. but thats only sometimes. I don’t know what to do..

4 thoughts on “Is it awful to want a divorce to escape from my abusive father in law?”

  1. Hi SeaTurtle Lover96,
    My heart goes out to you. I have been married for 15 years now. I sympathize with your situation. From my life experiences I can share and recommend the following to you:
    For a relationship to work effectively you have to be able to communicate with your partner both the good and the bad. Right now you are making the decision to stay in a toxic situation which you recognize is harmful and dangerous for your well-being.
    You know what you have to do. You have clearly stated that you don’t love him anymore, you do not feel safe due to his family situation, you are right to think about future complications if you have children. Your father-in-law sounds like a creep. You are right in wanting to stay away and not expose yourself or any potential children to someone like this. Your husband has a lot of maturing and growing up to do-by this I mean he needs to be his own person and not be influence by his family. You are his family now his loyalty needs to be with you. If you decide to stay and make this work you have to start communicating with him honestly.
    If you really want to make this marriage work, you may want to look into marriage counseling. For a relationship to work, you have to tell him exactly how you feel, you have to communicate your needs and fears, you have to clearly let him know what you expect out of him and your expectation within your relationship. Both need to be invested in the relation ship equally-equal give and take. It can be very hurtful, but you need to do this sooner than later. Both you and him deserve to be in a relationship where you are in love and bring the best in each other. It has to be respectful and you have to be truly committed to each other. I hope you are able to be strong enough to make the decisions that is right and safe for you. Remember that the decisions that you make dictate the way you live your life-you need to be truthful to yourself. Best of Luck.

  2. Thank you very much for taking the time to read that lengthy story. I value your advice and I am thinking about it. he knows most of this. he knows I don’t want to have kids. I have always wanted kids but not since getting to see his true family. the hardest part is I’m his whole world. he has made it very clear that he would be miserable without me. he has made suicidal comments and when we fight and he gets in his truck to leave I go check to make sure the guns are still there. and I want to be selfish and say its not fair. its not fair for me to have to deal with this. I was suicidal but I came out of it. I see the joy of life and the ocean and I don’t think about it anymore. so for him to be this fragile and im so clumsy, im afraid that ill slip up and drop him and he wont be happy. he wont remarry or move on. I am dependant on him emotionally. but I still know its not a healthy situation and hes reminding me more and more of his father everyday. it’ll be hard for me to separate myself from him. but for him hes acting as though he wont recover. that’s a lot of pressure. should I end it now when I haven’t given it much of a chance or should I hold on and wake up and realize 20 years of my life are now wasted and at that point have a kid who has to go through the divorce as well. the consequences of this decision are tough.

  3. You deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel valued and worthwhile. You deserve better. Your husband is emotionally blackmailing you-this is selfish and destructive. You are right in feeling that this is not a fair situation. You see all the red flags. If you decide to stay in this toxic and destructive relationship, things will not end well, they will not get better by you simply believing that it will get better one day. It sounds that he is not willingly to put in the work necessary to work on his issues to get better and improve the situation. He is clearly manipulating you and you are giving him the power to do so. It concerns me that you have had suicidal thoughts as well. It sounds to me that at least you need a break from your husband. He needs to get help. I have 2 children. They are my world. Being a mother is the most important job that you will ever have in this life. As a mother, your number one job is to love them and protect them at all cause. You cannot have children in an environment that is not safe, depressive, or violent. You are not responsible for your husbands actions. You are not helping him by staying in this situation. If the day comes and you decide to move on call the hospital and/or law enforcement and relate to them that you have decided to leave your husband and you are seeking help for him because of his suicidal comments and he has guns. My best to you, I really hope you find the courage to take the steps necessary for your safety and overall well being.

  4. Good Morning SeaTurtle Lover96,
    I hope you are doing well, I wanted to recommend to you to read my journal post title “Personal Account of Witnessing Domestic Abuse” I hope that this article can help you and give you further insight to your situation-All the best to you.

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