Not Okay

 I don’t really know what has been going on with me lately. I’ve been so irritable and all I want to do is sleep. I watched some videos about people not knowing what is wrong with them and doctors not being able to diagnose them but there is something underlying that no one can see and only the person can feel. I’m not saying something is deeply wrong with me; but something just doesn’t feel right. No amount of rest or vacation fixes how I feel. I try to think of solutions, like maybe I need to take a trip, but I really like to just relax at home. Maybe I need to stay home. But I can’t because I work and go to school. I feel like I’ll feel a little better once I leave Goldfish. Then I won’t be working so much and can have more days off. Only a couple more months left and I’ll have weekends all to myself again.

And I decided to pursue something that I am passionate about. This summer while taking classes, I want to get my Zumba/Yoga certification and work a few days a week being a group fitness instructor. I am really excited about that and will be praying on it heavily.

Speaking of praying, I decided I will be moving back home to Springfield and I need to seek out a new church. I don’t remember Springfield churches being the best but I will give it my best shot to find one I feel at home in. I wanted to go back to MACOG; the people are very nice but they are kind of… in my face. Wanting me to be places and do things, and I absolutely love being involved in the church but sometimes I just  can’t…. I need some Sundays to sleep in because I worked late the day before. I know being tired isn’t going to go away soon because I want to pick up as many shifts at Goldfish as possible for the extra money until my last day. That way I can put it all in my savings and be able to build a fund to pay for group fitness certification.

I’m excited about moving home, and nervous. It’ll be weird to live back home and adjust to not just living with my dog. I’ll have to smell bacon in the morning, dogs barking, parents bickering, loud TV. But I am ready to be back home for a while. Maybe until Wes decides it’s time to move in together, which will be sometime next year. Speaking of next year, I have an official graduation date. April 2018. It makes me motivated because I can see an end in sight. Just another year of working hard and doing something I actually enjoy most of the time, not just killing myself over. 

Suddenly I had this thought. It happened the other night. I was laying with Wes, comfortable on his chest while he rubbed my arm and we were watching a movie. It creeps up on me sometimes; the thought that eventually we will be laying like this when we are old and frail. That it will be our turn to die and suddenly I feel like I have my back against a wall and the wall is scooting me quickly along the floor toward my demise. I can feel my heart start to race, the words, “It’ll be me someday” and I start to panic because it’s inevitable and for hours it’s the only thing I can think of. It’s coming and it could happen any time, not just when I’m old and frail. And I start to think about all the people I will lose in my life time and how I want to avoid the pain and the weeks of being devastated that I’ve lost my parents or soon enough, my grandparents. God forbid I lose another friend, a friend that is even closer to me. I can’t do it and I don’t want to do it. I  would rather die now than wait and see how things are going to turn out. 

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