I don’t know if he wants or needs the responsibility of me right now. He has so much going on his life. And the the next four months are going to be hard on him professionally and personally. I worry I’m an unneeded burden. Sometimes I think it would be better if we waiting until things were more settled. But then I think he needs the idea of me right now. I’m a stress reliever in a very stressful time.
Things were so much easier before. I was his slut. That was all I had to be. If he was angry I’d talk about sex and perk him up. It wasn’t personal it was sex. I don’t know how to do this with him. I feel like I don’t know what he wants or needs half the time. I don’t know what he wants from me. I think I should take a few steps back and just be more of the friend but then I have to wonder if that’s not just me trying to run. Obviously my last few posts have been showing I’m on the edge of giving in to him and it scares me. So is this about him or me? I can’t tell anymore.
I’ve wanted to talk to him about it. I’ve almost gotten it out a couple of times. But I stop myself with the thought. He needs to study. He needs to be focused and this won’t help. He seems to go from hot to cold in an instant. With the distance between us I don’t know if it’s something I’ve done or something that happened there. But I get there…I get right there and then he goes cold and I think no I can’t right now.
I’m walking a line. If I step to right I run. If I step to left I submit. And I know if I submit to him it will be like I’ve never done before. I don’t know which way to go. But I know that I need to figure it out before he comes here next month. Because if I’m still walking this line it will be to late to decide. One touch and I will be done. I will be so completely his I won’t be able to find my way back. I need to know for sure before I see him again.