Upcoming Dance/Thoughts

   After a visit to my aunts, my mother and her offered me a chance to go to a party with them. I feel a bit honored I guess. I love to hang out with them, even if that sounds a bit ridiculous to want to hang out with people way older than me, my mother and aunt, nonetheless.  

   I don’t think I will go, but I relished the thought of it, but I don’t know how to dance and I keep thinking of all these horrible scenarios or outcomes.

   There is absolutely no alcohol there, so they assumed I could go.Still, I don’t even think I would feel comfortable even if I went and were allowed to.

   I haven’t been to a party in almost a year, much less had one of my own. I love the atmosphere that a party brings; the people, conversations, music, or just the social activities. I feel like such a wallflower(Basically a loner), I enjoy meeting people, talking to them, yet it’s hard at the same time to be not afraid to meet them.

   Being with adults makes it obvious I’m below them. I can’t be their equals, so even if I like to talk to them or be around my aunt and mother at times, I can’t ever really be considered someone who is worthy enough to spend time with them in such a friendly way.

   Sometimes I wish I were a bit older, but even so, I don’t know if anything would change or if I would feel any different.

   We have a major gap in interests, not just age. A major gap in opinion and ideas, as if my aunt and mother lived in an entirely different world before I even got here(Basically true.)

   It sucks I guess. I’m not trying to be an adult, or trying to prove that I am one, when I’m not(Which is the truth), but I can’t make people believe that. I’m sure some people think that’s what I’m trying to do.

   I do back off when my mother has company, or my aunt is over. I don’t join the conversation and will purposefully stay out of sight until that person is gone.

  I remember when I was a little kid and my mother had invited an older woman over that had given us one of our cats. She was Christian and I used to ask her questions constantly out of curiousness. To me, she was knowledgeable, and it was interesting because I had suddenly had a common interest I guess with someone much older than me. I had never had such a deeper conversation with someone on something other than what I usually had with children my age.

   Sometimes conversations with older people are more interesting. The topics are different, they aren’t about that girl in class that is disliked because she tries to copy some trend, or about a crush or break up. It’s about something completely different.

   I admit it’s better than having to listen to my best friend go on about some guy at school that has major issues and causes trouble, or having to watch a video where two classmates of hers have a fist fight for no reason other than to prove that neither of them is weak.

   The real reason why I stay out of the way when company is around? I learned after meeting that older woman, something I never quite forgot, but understood. I spent so much time talking to that woman and asking questions, that I must have taken too much of her time. My mother pulled me aside eventually and looked straight into my eyes with a dead serious expression and told me not to(Not in exact words) “talk to her as much since I was getting in the way of the conversation and time with her”. I guess I could understand how she felt, so I have learned to keep my distance more often, even if that was probably close to nine years ago.

   Lately though I feel as if maybe I’m a burden to both my aunt and mother. I shouldn’t try to be so friendly as it is. Talking too much only makes me seem annoying. Not as if my aunt is my friend anyways, she’s my mother’s friend. It feels sometimes as if my age, along with me being below them, places a barrier between getting close to either of my parents, much less talking to them. I can only  wish or want to be closer, but I can never be as close to them as I would like.


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