Dear Diary, (You’re yet to have a name)
So much is going in my life start up business, moving in with boyfriend, new experiences, dealing with dad’s death from few years ago… Yet I’m not feeling happy. Well not 100%. It’s all stressful. Me and my boyfriend’s petty arguments wearing me down too.
It’s not that I’m ungrateful of all the good things in life. It’s just feeling like I’m waiting for the new chapter in my life to get going. I’m trying to cope and be strong. I realize it’s not helpful not having people to vent my problems to that are not online. So, I blow up with my boyfriend trying to deal with my struggles because his autism and my pent up thoughts.
I got told by my bf I’m being selfish. But, who else is going to look out for me. When my autistic bf doesn’t ask how I am. It’s rare he does. I feel annoyed. It’s not that me and my bf need space, it’s better communication. I’d rather sit there and talk until me and him work out how to better our behaviours so the argument doesn’t happen on same issue again. Whereas he seems to want to bottle it up and not admit we need to solve a situation then and there.
I just want to be more happy and enjoy the new experiences I’m going through. Why I’m feeling so down and like I’m putting up with how things are rather than enjoying them. I want people around me to be less apathetic towards the situation I’m in. I want to be listened to when I have issues. Not to be told I’m rude. What mum ‘Rude for saying please and thankyou might be nice’… have manners gone out the window.
Has my mum got more selfish and wrapped up in her own new relationship to realize my feelings. How hard new business set up is and new move isn’t easy…and to deal with all this with an autistic bf who’s not good with expressing/helping feelings….(emotional support).
Life is one big sigh. I get this is getting super long. So I’ll end it saying this:
I’m waiting for this to all blow over and me to enjoy life much more. How long I wait is unknown and how it’s always me wanting to do things and others letting me down being stepping stones I have to wait to jump over/// but, I’m sure if I work hard I’ll make my life better.