1:56 AM-Thoughts

I didn’t take a sleeping pill, and its hard to go to sleep when you’re extra vigilant naturally.

First week of school is over, a bit anxiety-inducing, not as bad as it could be.

I just have this awful feeling at times, but then again, maybe it’s just plain anxiety.

I always feel as if I might die. Maybe because I have almost died, and deep down I hate having survived.

Years back when I was just starting out swimming, I decided to go out and try it on my own(so it was least embarassing) while no one was helping or watching, much less knew.

Seeing myself drown. When you drown, you see your last breath, the air bubbles floating up as everything dims,

And suddenly it’s black.

You don’t struggle anymore, you don’t worry or think about anything. Your mind just becomes blank and its suddenly peaceful. You can hear but you cant feel your body, you can’t tell if you are moving or floating or where you are.

It’s sometimes like you don’t even know who you are, you simply forget or don’t think about it.

It was dark, I was unconscious but conscious. I then heard screaming as someone probably found me and then they panicked. I didn’t think about who screamed or why, just a blank mind.I didn’t panic, there was just a sense of wanting to “let go”, just let it take me, just like the water had not only wiped out my breathing, but it snuffed out my thoughts, like they just dissolved.

I just wanted to go deeper and allow it to take me because it was so peaceful and I felt nothing, saw nothing, thought nothing. And then, when I gained consciousness because they had found me, I hated waking up. I wasn’t suicidal, but I had wished they had never bothered. A huge wave of disappointment overwhelmed me, eventhough I should be happy I was alive then, eventhough my family and friends were relieved.

Immediately after I woke up, I just despised them so much.

A part of me doesnt want to die, and another part of me is happy to, no, obsessed with the thought.Whenever I get in a situation though where I almost die ot have to choose a life or death situation, I immediately go for saving myself out of adrenaline, even if others might need help. I hate myself for that.

The funny part about that is whenever it’s my fault that someone might get hurt, I take responsibility no matter what, out of fear because I know that person wouldnt be happy with me if they knew I did something bad or caused trouble. Eventhough its a life or death situation, I’m more worried about what they might think of me.Maybe I want to protect them or maybe I feel a deep sense of responsibility for situations I cause.

Every once in a while, I get that same peaceful feeling, mostly if I’m in a situation where I can get hurt, die, one that’s risky. As if I want to die, yet other times I protect myself no matter what.I’m confused at what I want maybe.

Maybe I’m just preparing myself just in case. I do have issues with my body, with my heart(minor), which sometimes scares me a lot. I try not to be scared. I act like im dying on spot, that’s why its silly. I do it automatically though. I just dont want to be afraid, and I used to not, when I was closer to God maybe.

I feel like I get close to dying just to remind me that I want to live.

The time when I almost died from a sickness as a kid, the drowning, almost being hit by a car several times.Maybe a warning.

 

 

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