Today I asked my husband to give me space to heal. Space to see things differently. He was hurting me in ways he couldn’t understand and I believe he wasn’t healing from his own hurts.
See we are in the process of divorce, but I don’t want to. I want to stay married. He is the love of my youth, the love of my life, and my best friend. We lost sight of each other and our relationship. In that we lost each other and he found himself with others. Those relationships are over or have turned to friendships. I can see where each played a role in the disintegration of our relationship. I can forgive the indiscretions. I would need many and much promises and verifications.
Today I pushed away my friend because he kept hurting me with his lies and purposeful leaving out of things. Today has been sad.
Could this be the darkest night before dawn? Or the valley before the Victory? I have been praying that it is so. I hope that he will want me again. That he will choose me and continue to choose me for the rest of our lives. I believe we are meant to be.
So the divorce… It is still marching forward. Still going to happen. See I want to be sure I can trust him again, to be confident in him again. There was a time I believed he could change the world if he wished to, and I want to believe again. The catch is that he has to choose me, want me, desire me. Has to convince me it is true. That this won’t happen again.
I know I have some work to do too. I have to make him feel desired, wanted, special. I have to convince him that I can believe and trust him again. That I won’t lose sight of him and us again.
Here is to hope. Here is to the belief love conquers all. Here is to faith.