Letter S

S. I love the sound of your name on my lips. You are the star in every fantasy I have. And in that fantasy I always call you by your first name. 

Alas, I felt defeated. For many years i tried to rationalize that it’s natural for a girl to have a crush on a guy who’s the epitome of everything that’s ideal. For many years, Sh, that crush turned into infatuation. That infatuation turned into love. I already accepted I’m doomed to love you. It’s my choice to feel this. It’s my choice to suffer in silence, it’s my choice to love you from afar. I texted you anonymously last 2013 to tell you of my feelings but I chickened out. I didn’t tell you my name. It was too embarrassing not to mention pathetic. It has always been you all along. There, I said it. And I really hate myself so much for it. I keep on comparing you to every guy I meet. I have idealized the thought of you. 

This infatuation would have to remain as one had I not tried to contact you again through fb. I thought I was over you, I felt overconfident that I’m finally free of obsessing over you but I when I got the chance to talk to you, I mean, truly talked with you, that infatuation blossomed into love. F*ck you so much for still being that guy whom I am longing to have but can’t never be mine and I really hate myself for allowing this thing to happen. So I give up. I love you and God knows I’m trying to forget you, trying to move on. Trying to accept the fact that you never really cared about me, that you’re not really interested in me romantically. You only see me as a friend and I get that. And it makes me feel like a loser because I should concentrate on entertaining other guys that have real interest in me but I just don’t feel anything towards any of them. I’m still waiting for that time when I finally meet someone whom I can love and like as much as I have loved and liked you, but at the same time is in love with me too. I’m always praying and hoping that one day God will help me find a way to be free of you, to forget you, so that I can move on with my life and be happy with the man that truly deserves me. 

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