Mayhem’s Episode 001

Wanted to write for a long time. I have bad handwriting, I also wanted the ‘world’ to see at the same time, although maybe not the people close to me to see it except one.

Going to try writing daily.

This entry will mainly stem from my over active dreams. They are lucid, and I can’t help it. Awful nights sleep to begin with, I went to bed at 3A.M. After playing some CS:GO with the ‘lads’, whoever they may be. It’s fun to play with them.

 The flat above me must be having a party or after party, i try to sleep while listening to Alan Watts to drown out their banging and voices, it barely works and I drift off, then suddenly reawaken at 5A.M. Got really annoyed, but to be honest I don’t blame them it is Friday night and ill be going out tonight, ‘partying’. 

So I’m sick of dreaming about my Ex. We’ve been broken up for 7 months now. Still thinking about her, during the day on and off. Wondering what she is doing, what her motives are and what her words mean. I can’t stop it to be honest. The dream entailed just skyping each other and talking and that was all. She got breast implants in my dream, she had always talked about getting that. 

End of Entry.

Back story of the ex:
5-6 years together, move away to University many many miles away, she found a Boyfriend within a month of us breaking up, I did see someone but it didn’t feel right. I actually seen a few women since then but non have been ‘right’ I don’t feel any connection. Even though I do like one of them, I just can’t see my self dedicating or loving her.

Since the break up we talked over skype once or twice a week, had some pretty deep insightful conversations with each other.

Around December time, at Christmas, she bought me a Christmas present, I was going back to see my family so I retrieved said present, and one thing lead to another, so yes we did have sex, she is not a liar however and told her boyfirned the next day. He immediatly broke up with her, she phones me up crying why did I do this, he didn’t do anything wrong. (Well apparently they were broken up because she told him she bought me a present for Christmas and was going to see me, they also ahd another argument, hes a bit of a coke head and likes to drink with the lads, and has a tendency to stay out all night and give her a cab fare to go home and not come with her).

At this point, they got back together, and he said ‘no contact what soever with your ex’.

We didn’t talk for 3 weeks. (Note: in November, tickets were booked to his friends holiday/wedding to Thailand, he said he immediately canceled them after they broke up before she slept with me)(White lie he didn’t actually)

She rings me out the blue and we talk, it was her birthday the other week. I wished her a happy birthday. They went out for her birthday, it seemed like a good night, got a little drunk. He called her names saying ‘oh look theres my ex shes alot hotter than you isn’t she’ theres a few more I cant remember. When they got home he hit her twice. Had an argument.

She told me all of this. I’m devestated. This makes me cry. I dont want to bottle this up.

I have never hit her in 6 years. 

A few days ago I was feeling like I am today, after this dream I had. I am at one of the lowest points in my life emotionally.Out of the blue she rang me again, we had a longish conversation, she asked me a few times how I was (you know, emotionally.) but it just breaks my heart to even tell her the truth anymore. I know she would start crying, all the other times we have rang each other it usually ends up in tears. 

So she is still I guess, planning to go to Thailand in April for this wedding, i sincerely hope she isn’t using him for a holiday. She never used me in 6 years I knew her, I just hope that they don’t break up shortly after the holiday. I can almost imagine it happening.

I don’t get it, you know? Why are we so drawn to each other still, she cant even say she loves him after 6 months, only by text. ? She literally tells me everything. So I guess I can conclude that she is hung up over me, I’m hung up over her, I mean, I want her back. I’ll probably die this way.

She says she is worried that I will go off and find another woman in the next few years and totally forget about her when to be honest, I think the same of her. I feel like I’ve lost her already.

So for now it’s back to the cupboard, thanks for reading if you did, this is more of a personal thing to write down my feelings, hopefully a more mundane day-to-day thing is coming, I’m not sure but I’ll just write what I write.


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