The pit that has been deep inside me is now a chasm. There is no way to close it. No way right now to cover it. No way to heal it. When Dad died the pit began. Slowly through the years it got deeper and deeper. After Mom died I didn’t think it could get any larger. After Robert died I know it would never be filled. It could be covered at times but never filled. I hoped I could keep it covered most of the time. Now that Jonathan is gone its no longer a pit. It’s a miracle I’m even still here I’d say. But now inside it’s a chasm.
There is no way to cover a chasm. I have to go on living with it wide open. How? Will I go through the motions? Keep putting on a happy face? Smiling when I have to? After awhile the charade will wear thin. I thought I was a shell before but now I’m the thinnest of eggshells. If I crack would I even know it?
I pray to be put out of my misery. Swiftly, quickly, painlessly. But I already know it won’t happen. I will live out the rest of my prison sentence as best I can. I won’t even try to figure out the point anymore. I’m still here. I know now that I’m not going anywhere for a long, long time. I have a lifetime of a prison sentence to live out on Earth for whatever reason. If there even is a reason. Is there? Why bother asking, that’s the answer.