So I finally went to talk to someone on Friday. It was harder than I thought. As part of my therapy, I’ve been asked to write things done, to let what I can, out.
I’ve had a blessed life. I had an amazing mother and the greatest dad. Losing mama was something I wasn’t prepared for. I knew one day it would happen, but I always thought it would be long from now. It’s a pain, I’ve never known before. I try not to speak of it much because I know many people who’ve had pain and I don’t want to make my pain worse or disregard their own pain. All I can say is, I have a void. A void within me. A void that will always be there. My mother was perfect. In my eyes, anyway.
Losing my brother was such a shock. Less of a shock then mom, but I’m still stunned. I don’t there honk I’ve cried near enough, but I was told Friday that I have yet there honk process the loss of mama and so I’m numb in many ways. I must fight through this in order to move on.
I think of there of think of the child i would of had. Another void that will always be there. Would it of been a boy or a girl? Would he/she have my eyes or my smile? Would he/she love me like I love my mom and dad? Did I do the right thing?
I still have nightmares. I try to block out what my best friend did to me. I am told, I can’t do that. I must learn what happened, was not fault. I was and I mean was very trusting. I can still smell him. I can still feel his hand holding me down. I can still feel his body on mine.
Since all of this has happened, I’m not the same. I’ll get back there. From what I’ve been told, I’m getting there.