And so it begins.

So I finally went to talk to someone on Friday. It was harder than I thought. As part of my therapy, I’ve been asked to write things done, to let what I can, out. 

I’ve had a blessed life. I had an amazing mother and the greatest dad. Losing mama was something I wasn’t prepared for. I knew one day it would happen, but I always thought it would be long from now. It’s a pain, I’ve never known before. I try not to speak of it much because I know many people who’ve had pain and I don’t want to make my pain worse or disregard their own pain. All I can say is, I have a void. A void within me. A void that will always be there. My mother was perfect. In my eyes, anyway. 

Losing my brother was such a shock. Less of a shock then mom, but I’m still stunned. I don’t there honk I’ve cried near enough, but I was told Friday that I have yet there honk process the loss of mama and so I’m numb in many ways. I must fight through this in order to move on. 

I think of there of think of the child i would of had. Another void that will always be there. Would it of been a boy or a girl? Would he/she have my eyes or my smile? Would he/she love me like I love my mom and dad? Did I do the right thing? 

I still have nightmares. I try to block out what my best friend did to me. I am told, I can’t do that. I must learn what happened, was not fault. I was and I mean was very trusting. I can still smell him. I can still feel his hand holding me down. I can still feel his body on mine. 

Since all of this has happened, I’m not the same.  I’ll get back there. From what I’ve been told, I’m getting there.


Until tomorrow. 

2 thoughts on “And so it begins.”

  1. hey!!! its gonna be alright… you know can tell me how you feel. I feel sorry for you.. sometime we have to go ahead without looking back. Make them a memory. Don’t feel depressed.. talk to someone.

  2. Bless your heart. So much loss! You are too young to lose your mother, I’m thinking. I haven’t been on here in days, so maybe I missed part of the story. I’m so sorry for your grief. Yes, you have to feel it. Accept it as part of your love, an expression of your love. Then be as brave as you can and carry on your life. You’ll see your mother and brother again, in Heaven, if you can believe. So talk to them. It’s okay. They still have Life and they still love you.

Leave a Comment: