The dream

 It’s been a rough weekend.  The husband is getting crankier by the day with all the people here.  I’m hearing a lot of things like things will be better when it’s just him and I. He knows the place I had is gone.  He knows I’m stuck here and I’ll never get out.  I feel myself falling into this pit of depression.  Before my kids moved back I was staying with my parents but the truth is…I was staying in my car more than anything.  My mom,  who has Alzheimer’s didn’t understand my being there and would go into fits.  I first started with  having the return my dog to the house and tried tip toeing around.  But it felt so uncomfortable it was just easier to hang out in my car.  It hadn’t really hit the brunt of winter yet so only the nights got cold.  That was before school as well.  In the past month and a half I’ve been here,  something happened with the pipes upstairs so there’s no running water to go back to my parents and try hiding out.  

I can’t help but feel like he won.  He spent years making me reliant on him and I guess he succeeded.  Still there’s a part of me that thinks …ok so I live in my car.  Rest stops have showers I can use.  But I would need to find a permanent home for my dog this time.  This time he will know that I’m done and …well to say he’s vengeful and filled with hate would be putting it nicely.  

So at night when I lie down I think about it.  The logistics of it.  Work,  school , doing assignments while wrapped up in my car.  My daughter offered to take my dog when they move.  

Is it worse to be alone living…homeless than alone in a home? I guess it would just point out the obvious.  I’m still homeless living here anyway.  

In any case my time is up as someone needs the bathroom.  Which is my quiet spot.  

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