11:18

 Trying to get to bed earlier. Feels like I cant breath, almost. Im so ridiculously anxious that my heart is pounding in my chest like crazy. 

I struggled with schoolwork today as well, didn’t finish homework until 10PM.

Mostly because I was up late the other night, the same as every other night…

It rained all day off an on, so being inside was to be expected. I have plastic cups of tapioca pudding lying around, empty, and two wrappers that were originally for a type of cracker, similar to banana bread. it’s obvious Im not feeling up to doing anything.

Personally Im too anxious to even sleep. I guess it will get better. maybe.

Maybe I should get a dog, Doesnt even have to be a puppy, as long as it loves to sleep on the bed, at least while I sleep.

Every night I usually sleep with the cat in my arms, his breathing distracts me if I just focus on it. I also love just to have him present in the room, always seems to help knowing theres a living creature nearby. Sometimes I cant find him in the house when I go to bed, even if I know he will willingly and gratefully curl up in my arms and sleep, I can’t find him in the dark so I give up. I tried sleeping with a stuffed bear one of my best friends gave to me two years ago. usually it works, even if its silly. But nowadays it does nothing. It feels more lifeless than usual. Maybe because its no longer about holding off nightmares in my sleep, but nightmares during the day and before I sleep. Anxiety can be like nightmares.

I don’t have anyone or anything, eventhough the room is so small, it feels too spacious, makes me feel like something that can only be described by saying its like the opposite of claustrophobic.

Lately Ive been very protective of my neck. it feels like It needs to be covered at all times to feel secure.

Maybe because I can feel my heartbeat there, so it just is psychologically an area I feel the need to protect. Maybe I feel anxious about my heart.

Not sure anymore. I never used to have anxiety, depresssion was a bit better in the sense that I got better after a week and it only came on occasion.

Im not even sure why I write these journal entries. They seem to only repeat my feelings on my anxiety, but I guess that’s what a journal is for.

My mother and father are leaving early in the morning again, taking my grandfather somewhere.

I just need to relax, anxiety will go away if I don’t panic and dont make it worse. It always comes back though. I’ve dealt with many things; depression, suicidal tendencies, self-harm, risky behavior, other anxious thoughts or otherwise dangerous thoughts, and not to mention my history of nightmares, sleep paralysis, sleep walking and the occasional flashbacks(usually more often). Never have I ever experienced anxiety or hyper-vigilance for such a long period of time.

Leave a Comment:

SCROLL TO TOP