An odd feeling

Am I putting up a wall? I don’t want to and I’m not doing it intentionally if I am.  But I kinda feel like I’m pulling away.  I know I’m trying to protect myself and it’s happening involuntarily.  I don’t care if every fiber of my being believes I’m only temporary to him I want give and not hold back out of fear.  I need to work on this.  

I know part of it is simply not wanting to fall for the dream.  And part of it is my own self doubt.  He was talking today about going shopping and things and I couldn’t help but think how much I  want to take care of him.  Sometimes right before I drift off to sleep I think about the little scenarios of handing him tools while he’s working. And fixing his dinner or making sure he has a good breakfast to start the day and I think wait…I’m in school for a reason.  And I worry that I jumped into this out of pain and was trying to turn my back on who I really am.  I mean can I be both? I wonder sometimes, regardless of his endless support,  if he doesn’t think it’s as silly as I do at times.  And then that critic jumps in thinking in sure when he finds his one she will be a homemaker.  

I guess if I’m being completely honest with myself,  I never felt good enough with the last one.  I worked a dead end job that I felt he was embarrassed by and he left me for someone with an actual career.  So yes I probably jumped into this thinking…I’ll show him.  But now that I’ve started…I don’t want to stop.  I know my husband is expecting me to quit.  He thinks it’s a dead end and I won’t follow through.  Of course he thinks I won’t follow through on a lot of things.  And I myself think about the long road ahead and my age and wonder if it’s worth it.  I did this so I would be self sufficient.  But just between me and.. me…I don’t want to be self sufficient.  I want to be taken care of as much as I take care of someone.  I want to be controlled.  I don’t want my own bank account and own life to control.  I want to serve and live for him.  I want to be his.  I want to eat what he wants me to eat,  weight what he wants me to weigh,  sleep where he wants me to sleep and so on.  It’s crazy and I’ve never felt like this.  

And the critics reply to that? Yeah well since we don’t always (or ever)get what we want,  you need do this for you.  That’s the one you count on.  You.  

It’s a daily fight.  It sucks.  I just want to submit.  

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