Him of who I won’t get back.

   He is someone who I won’t be getting back and that is okay. I can’t stress upon it. Then again I can’t help it, but to stress it everyday. Only because he was my EVERYTHING when I felt fucking NOTHING. No one not even him will understand that.. EVER. I wish I could tell him “I love you..” But I can not do that because then I will look like a fool. Then again I look like a fool either way because I fell in love with a beautiful boy who still takes my damn breath away. I fell so hard that I can’t get up.. He let me call him this morning and my lord hearing his voice was.. fucking bliss. Haha. The first of the phone call was a bit shaky, but then became amazing and happy, but then came crashing down with fucking pettiness. All of which he doesn’t understand that I can’t trust him with a lot of things just yet. It is sad. Him and I do not talk everyday there is so, so, so much space between most of our “talking times”. We’ll just turn to the silent treatment and I fucking hate it! Doing this just forces me to drift further from him, but for some reason it will NOT let me lose the love that I have for him. I believe it is because I can’t let go of what it felt like. That love made me feel like I was on cloud 9 without all of the drugs that I pop and smoke now. He was my adrenaline. My rush. The reason why a REAL smile even was drawn on my face. Honestly, he wasn’t the one to actually take it away either. It was all my fault I was so lost behind someone I wasn’t. I got caught up with all the lies and fuck i’m running out of thoughts. I love him, but I hate myself for doing that and he’ll never know that. Today, I finally told him “I honestly can’t even remember when we had a decent conversation without annoying the hell out of each other.” He was shocked and a bit sad and he didn’t know what to say, but that is okay because at the end of the day I know for fact he is him of who I won’t get back. 

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