My Life is a Big Question Mark

I have been trying to write something in this journal for weeks now, but because of battling my own demons it took me this long to feel like I have a purpose. That’s right, I’ve got anxiety. People who face this socially and physically understand how hard it is to deal with a mental illness like this. To make it even worse, I am a stay at home mom to a beautiful baby boy. He’s almost nine months and just as healthy and happy as any other baby. My anxiety and being a mother causes a lot of self doubt. A good mom questions their choices all the time, but for me, I question almost every action I do. The only thing I don’t question is when I need to use the restroom or eat. Everything else is a constant battle over the common questions; what, who, where, why and how. It’s so hard for me to express myself because people who don’t have anxiety just tell you to, get over it. Like it’s not a mental problem. My anxiety is so terrible, I won’t go to the doctor to tell her the buspirone she prescribed me isn’t working and just making me feel dizzy. Plus it doesn’t help that I live six hours away from anyone I know besides my husband and his friends.

Anyway, today my son got his stroller so we decided to go for a walk in this 80 degree weather we have in February; weird right? I spent an hour long walking him and I felt inspired. Just by looking at nature and having some peace time. I felt in control and nothing was going to stop me. We live in the country and have a forest right next to us, (This picture is from google, but it looked similar). Now here I am writing on here. I am hoping that writing down my thoughts will help me get through what I’ve been fighting against for years. I can’t live life miserably. I want to be inspired and writing has always been something I have enjoyed, but my anxiety says I’m not good enough.

If someone is actually interested in reading what I have to say, I will post as much as I can. I won’t be consistent just because, my family is first and sometimes I’m just too exhausted to do anything for myself honestly.  It’s not a bother though, its a gift.

–Anxiety Mom

2 thoughts on “My Life is a Big Question Mark”

  1. As someone who’s got anxiety out the arse, I understand all that. I question everything I ever even think. Every single thought I have I question the validity of it. Every emotion I feel, I wonder why and is it valid to feel it in this situation? My hypervigilance often takes up much of my energy, but I’m working on redirecting it more. It’s a tough battle, and some days (like today for me) it doesn’t seem to let up. Keep writing. It’s good therapy.
    Not a mom, but I congrat you on your baby boy. I have an idea how hard being a mother can be.

  2. I enjoyed reading your journal post. I am a mother of 2 children a 9 year old and a 2 year old and I can relate when you talk about your anxiety. I agree with the above post, keep writing, it does help. I really like the picture you posted with this journal post, it gives me a feeling of peace.

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