I have been trying to write something in this journal for weeks now, but because of battling my own demons it took me this long to feel like I have a purpose. That’s right, I’ve got anxiety. People who face this socially and physically understand how hard it is to deal with a mental illness like this. To make it even worse, I am a stay at home mom to a beautiful baby boy. He’s almost nine months and just as healthy and happy as any other baby. My anxiety and being a mother causes a lot of self doubt. A good mom questions their choices all the time, but for me, I question almost every action I do. The only thing I don’t question is when I need to use the restroom or eat. Everything else is a constant battle over the common questions; what, who, where, why and how. It’s so hard for me to express myself because people who don’t have anxiety just tell you to, get over it. Like it’s not a mental problem. My anxiety is so terrible, I won’t go to the doctor to tell her the buspirone she prescribed me isn’t working and just making me feel dizzy. Plus it doesn’t help that I live six hours away from anyone I know besides my husband and his friends.
Anyway, today my son got his stroller so we decided to go for a walk in this 80 degree weather we have in February; weird right? I spent an hour long walking him and I felt inspired. Just by looking at nature and having some peace time. I felt in control and nothing was going to stop me. We live in the country and have a forest right next to us, (This picture is from google, but it looked similar). Now here I am writing on here. I am hoping that writing down my thoughts will help me get through what I’ve been fighting against for years. I can’t live life miserably. I want to be inspired and writing has always been something I have enjoyed, but my anxiety says I’m not good enough.
If someone is actually interested in reading what I have to say, I will post as much as I can. I won’t be consistent just because, my family is first and sometimes I’m just too exhausted to do anything for myself honestly. It’s not a bother though, its a gift.