Steve Stevens is not my real name. I’m just protecting mysef. I might say things I would never say out loud. Things I wouldn’t like people who know me to know. I’m 23 and I’m not from the US. My country’s official language isn’t even English. It’s been a rough week. Tension and violence around my city, my state. This was always a calm place to live. It’s a beautiful place, a beautiful country. But when the government doesn’t cooperate for the common good, there’s a workers’ strike. I stayed at home all week. People don’t feel safe on the streets these days. Our people stopped this entire week.
I don’t know why I created this journal, actually. I guess I just started thinking about my life lately and wanted to feel relief. The thing is: I’m bisexual. I only admitted that to two people and that really kills me. I wish I could tell the world that. Let me tell you about my background first and you’ll understand why I’m freaking out about this. I’m a christian and I was born in a very devoted family. I grew up going to a charismatic church with my parents and my sister. My dad has been a pastor since I was two years old. I live in a small town. Actually, it’s an island. Everybody knows everybody. Our country got a lot of prejudice in its history, but we’re having progress and people are beginning to accept that some people weren’t born straight and you don’t necessarily need to feel attracted to the opposite sex only. I always knew I was bisexual and felt the most horrible person on Earth. I was taught that God loves everybody, but He hates our sin. According to church, bisexuality is a sin. The thing is I thought I could live a normal life, have girlfriends and then get married one day… starting a new family. I used to think I could hide the other part that’s inside of me, that it wouldn’t matter, that I had to do what the Bible tells me to do. But now I just think I can’t. I think I’m a coward sometimes. There are times that I think I’m just being obedient to God or something like that. I’ve always been a moral person and I can’t help feeling guilty because of many things. That’s what I hate the most about myself. Sometimes I wish I had no consciousness. I wanted to go crazy and wild and do whatever I wanted to do, but something always blocks me. I’m just so sick of all that. I like guys too. I love them. I never kissed a guy, but I always wanted to do that and more. It’s something I can’t hide anymore. It’s who I am. It’s just like ice cream flavours: You love strawberry ice cream, but you also love chocolate ice cream. Sometimes you prefer strawberry ice cream to chocolate ice cream or vice versa. And sometimes you want them both together. That’s exactly how I feel about my sexuality. I dated girls my whole life and that’s fine. But I’ve wanted other things too. New things. I want guys too. I always felt like there was something missing…Something that I needed to try. I just wish I could tell that to my family. I wish they could understand, but I don’t think they ever will. It’s really complicated!
I said I never kissed a guy, but I almost did that or more. I was just a coward. My cousin is one of my best friends. There was a time when he used to go to my house every weekend. He doesn’t really live next to me. I was 17 and he was 15. We used to hang out all the time and do everything together. He slept in my bedroom and we watched porn videos (straight/lesbian videos). We used to get naked when we were doing those things. He was so hot! He still is. Tall, brown hair, green eyes, beautiful smile, tan skin, nice body, amazing dick and gorgeous ass. We used to sit next to each other and masturbate. He flirted with me all the time. He used to say things like: “Nice, dude! You got a thick cock!” and “Have you been working out? You look good”. That was weird, but it totally turned me on. One time, he came up with the idea that we should measure the size of our penises. We did that and we stood up, with our dicks side by side, to see who had the biggest penis. We were too close and he looked at me and said: “Hey, my cock is touching yours”. I looked at him and felt that he was gonna kiss me. But then I chickened out and started laughing, trying to dissemble my embarrassment. I missed my opportunity. Then, he started to go to a federal school and studied a lot. It was a tough school. He always wanted to go to college and study law, so he really needed to focus. Eventually, he stopped sleeping at my house every weekend. Then, he got into law school and fell in love with Danielle. They dated for almost 2 years and then broke up. He later became an intern at the court of justice and started dating Jill. They’re still together and I guess he really loves her. We’re still good friends, but with college stuff, internship, relationships, we have a busy life. I go to law school too. Not the same school, though. It’s a college in my neighborhood. I’m also an intern. My cousin still lives in the same place, but his internship and college are in another city…a city next to ours. Anyway, I miss him so much. If I could go back in time, I would’ve done everything in a different way.
I was having a fling with this girl…She’s pretty, really nice, caring, but it didn’t work out. We had different plans. She’s now one of my best friends. It’s weird, right? But it was for the best. She has helped in so many ways you guys couldn’t imagine. I think it’s come to a moment in my life that I need to do what I want to do. I wanna try these things. I wanna have an experience with a guy. It’s something I must do. I dated many girls in my life (when I say I dated many girls, I mean serious relationships), but, like I said, I always felt like I was missing something. But sometimes I feel like I should wait for the opportunity to come when some guy will become my friend (someone I’ll really like and feel attracted to) and we’ll make out, have sex and then become a real couple. The problem is this never happened again. I don’t know why. Don’t wanna seem conceited or anything like that, but I consider myself a good-looking guy and I know that most people think that too. But beauty is not what matters anyway. It does help sometimes, but that’s not what makes the person and that’s not what I’m looking for. What matters is you have to be with someone who really cares about you, makes you happy. Someone who’s kind, makes you laugh. I guess it might be the fact that I always dated girls and never stayed single for long. I don’t know many gay people and maybe that’s the problem. I’m the straight guy type. I don’t have gay friends and they all go to church or used to. I never went to a gay club or something like that. Never had the guts to do that. I don’t know. Scared that someone will recognize me. I just wanna feel normal, but I don’t. I feel this sadness inside of me. I’d like to face my family and tell them what I’ve been hiding for a long time. But I can’t. I wish I was braver. I just wanna be happy…
P.S.: The names aren’t real. I chose other names to protect their identity.