Episode 8, Bad night sleep and need to write about something.

Just awaken myself from semi lucid dreaming.

Don’t get me wrong I love my Dad and Mam. They do try to do anything for me.

They divorced since I was about 3 years old. I didn’t really know much about it and they never spoke to me about it.

I stayed with my Dad every Wednesday and every other weekend.

My Dad never lay a finger on me, or my Mam. My Dad was struggling for money, his business collapsed and I found we were in a routine all the time until I was 17 .

I hated growing up, my Mam had a boyfriend that physically abused me. He was a fucking monster. I just went on with it and didn’t tell anyone. One day when I was 17 he throw my head into a wall infront of my Mam and Sister. My Mam then left him and that was that.

So in this dream, I was at my Dads, same old routine. He was playing Poker on his computer. He’s pretty good at it, but he always does it for years and years now. I leave to go to my friends house to smoke weed. I’m almost tripping ball sacks in this dream off LSD or something. Just looking at cool things and noises. Suddenly my Dad appears at the door and is asking about dinner, trying to peek over my shoulder to see who is in the house and whats going on. I lose my shit. Take him outside and say it’s private. I ask him to play football with me one day. Then I wake up.

I don’t even like football. I just want to do what  kids should do with their parents. I’m 24 now. He’s had a MI and I’m unsure whether he can do that anymore.

I hardly ever call him, or my family because I find them annoying and stuck in a routine. I hate routines. Now my Mam lives on the other side of the world, my sister lives in Scotland, and my Dad way up North in England.

In my dream as well, i was talking to a girl she asked , ‘Why do people who kill them selves are so awkward around sex?’ 

I don’t even know why I would think of this. Don’t get me wrong most of the time I wish I wasn’t here, but I don’t really mind being here.

I love sex too. Just with the right person.. and that at the moment feels a lifetime away.

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