Too cruel

Today I found out on social media that my husbands daughter has stage 4 cancer. She’s 5. I had to keep this news to myself for 10 hours. It felt like a lifetime. Everytime he smiled or laughed today I felt like it would be the last time before I destroyed his life.

The time came for me to break the news and my heart was racing. After a long history of depression my husband tried to commit suicide after leaving their mum. And has since been banned from their lives. So now I have to tell him his daughter has a life threatening sickness and he has no way to go see her before she dies. I wrote a message to their mum begging her to let him see her but she just ignored it and blocked me. My husband has gone I to shock after finding out. He’s not talking. Not doing anything. It’s like he’s a robot. I know he needs to be alone to process it all. That’s how he works. But I’m scared if I leave him alone he will put himself in a place where he does something stupid again. I’ve had to convince myself to do all I can to make him feel as comfortable as possible. So I left him downstairs and came up to bed. I can hear him bawling his eyes out. But I can’t go down a hug him because I know he can’t cry with anyone around. And he needs to cry. My heart is breaking hearing him crumbling apart and knowing all I can do is sit here and listen. Just a little while ago he came up and tucked me into bed… saying I just wanted to do that for you. 

I can’t help thinking that I’m going to wake up and not have a husband. I’m going to wake up and he’s gone. But I can’t do anything to stop it. It’s a catch 22. He needs to be alone to process and cry but I can’t help but feel if I leave him alone he will be gone. I don’t know what to do. 

I keep telling him I love him and I’m here for him but he’s not hearing me. He’s hearing the words but they’re not going in. 

I don’t know who to do now. It was almost easier keeping it to myself. Except I never could do that. Life is so cruel. 

 

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