My thoughts at night, when I’m alone.

After my long session today, I was depleted. I was talking to some friends and family tonight. They were in the mood to ask me many questions about my dom and lover. After all the questions I have taken in today, I fell asleep.

I have some major dreaming going on. I was talking to my mom. I told her how much I had hurt today. All she did was sit there and wait until I told her why. I said, as you know I went to see the fifty shades movie tonight and she just rolled her eyes and smiled like she always did. My eyes started to tear up as I began to think of the movie. 

Me: Mama do you remember the movie you used to watch when I was a child with Melanie Griffith in it?

Her: Yes baby. You used to put makeup on like her and wear my heels, prance around the hall like you were her.

Me: (laughing) I remember. I was so little. Anyway, her daughter is Anna in the movie. In one scene, she takes over as sort of the boss. A co worker says, “am I supposed to call you Ms. Steele now?” Anna says, “I expect you to call me Anna. I don’t expect you to get me coffee unless you are getting some for yourself. And the rest, we will just work out as we go along.” She said the same lines as her mom did in working girl. 

Her: That’s neat, babydoll.

Me: It hurt me, mama.

Her: Why, angel?

Me: Because when I heard that, my breath caught and all I could think was OH MY GOODNESS, she said what her mom said and I can’t wait to call mama and tell her. (Crying)

Her: Baby, I was sitting there with you when you were watching it. That was a sign that I was with you. 

Me:(sitting next to mama with my head on her shoulder) I know mama. I miss you so much that it hurts.

I woke up, startled. I sat up and said, Do me a favor, mama. Don’t be around when I’m with Alec. In his house or on the phone, please. I giggled for a little bit and that helped me from curling into a ball and crying.

I bet the girls were mad that I fell asleep on them. I can only take so many questions a day. I think, because of my past, they may be intimidated by Alec. They know I haven’t been in a relationship for some time because of my past. I had fwb. I didn’t want anything more. Until him. 

I used to communicate with Alec a lot better than I do now. Sigh. So much I want to say, but can’t. In my head, I think I already know answers to comments or questions that I have. That isn’t fair to him. I can’t really help it. I’m working on it, but I sat there for literally 40 minutes, writing out a huge text, just to erase it.I’d start it again just to erase it again. What I want to say, I fear, will never be said. All because I’m not bold or strong enough. 

Maybe..one day, I can. Just not right now.

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