Every day as I am waking up I feel a piece of me died the night before. Why? Because I always wake up tired and that might be the reason. Sometimes, hardly do I even realize all the noise.
So, I wake up and start my day. Of course I have a hard time getting up. Checking my facebook, fml and 9gag page feels like a must in order to fill some of the void. Why am I even here? Do I really need to get up? Why must I go to classes? Fuck … I just hate it all and myself.
Nevermind; let`s go eat, brush my teeth, hair and get dressed with whatever.
I hate it when I get into the bus. So many people, I feel like I am being watched. I feel like I am being weird, where should I look, maybe they will not like it if I gaze at them. I can`t look outside the window as there are people sitting there, upfront either. Too many people are up. Naturally, I look down at feet in order to avoid the discomfort. I remain alone with my imagination running wild of how people don`t like me or think I am weird. Still, I am being so jealous of those who are accompanied by a lover, a friend or someone. I wish I had that to. I wish I was more sociable and better at bounding with people and forming relationships. But I am not.
So, the dreadful day continues. I arrived at university. In the parking lot I hate how many people stand there smoking. Some are familiar faces. Should I say “Hi?” I don`t know. I keep on walking averting my eyes and pretend I am looking at my phone. They must think I am weird. Not talking, not looking at them, having no friend with who I come or talk to, like a lone wolf. I have classes on 3rd floor, I hope there are few people I run into. Yay, I was late so there weren`t many people. In front of my classroom. Ok let`s take a deep breath, enter and say hi. I enter and rapidly I go and sit at my usual place and say Hi to those who are next to me. I feel so uncomfortable, like I don`t fit in here. I hate it. So here I am sitting really nice, being good and waiting for the day to end to go home as soon as possible. I don`t get anything this teacher says. This seminar is so damn hard. Do they even understand what he says? How can they even answer all those questions, we never talk about all this before. Am I fucking stupid or what? I can`t believe. In high school I used to be a straight A`s child and understand every little thing. Now I understand nothing. Less than John Snow. That is it. I give up. Can`t wait to go home. How can my classmates be so smart. It makes me feel so damn stupid. Whatever. Break time. I hate break time. Everyone goes and does stuff like going to the canteen or going out and chatting and so on. And here I am all alone doing nothing, just sitting at my desk waiting for the break to be over.
Finally, classes are over for today . Let`s go home. I hurry home while thinking how bad my day was and how I accomplished nothing. My life sucks. I am just wasting my time. I do nothing all day pretty much. I hate it. I wish I had friends to whom I could complain and do something fun or at least someone with whom I could walk back home. Anyway, I should stop at the corner shop and buy some snacks.
Home sweet home. I change my clothes, eat and watch my favourites series. This makes me numb and not think too much about all the things that haunt my mind. I stay up late reading about the awesome lifes some people might have. And think about all the wrong things with our world. I can`t believe that we are in the 21st century but there are people who starve to death, that global warming is not being taken as an important issue and we make so little effects against it, suffering, war, shallowness and so on… There are so many problems with this world, with our society and I can`t believe it. Why can`t we work together in order to make a better world? Why do we care more about buying and iphone when for half the money you could buy an one plus 3 which is just as good or why is it so important to be dressed all fancy when there are homeless people who don`t have not even the basic clothing they would need. And so on. But aren`t I a hypocrite why thinking about all those things when I am such a coward and do nothing. I just enjoy all the privileges like internet, having a laptop, wasting water, using make up, dressing pretty, going to university, being warm and cozy at home etc.(I will continue it another time)
Anyway, maybe the Earth doesn`t even need saving. I mean it was here since so long and maybe this is how it survives. Also, we all die in the end so who can say what we should do or not. Does it even matter. After all how can we say something is good or bad. Morals and ethics what are they really? We were just born in this society with all those rules. But truth being told, if we were born somewhere else geographically speaking or especially in another period of time we would have different believes, views, morals, ethics. (I will continue this topic some other time)So they don`t determine us I guess… I remember a quote from the batman series “Don’t talk like one of them. You’re not! Even if you’d like to be. To them, you’re just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don’t, they’ll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it’s a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They’re only as good as the world allows them to be. I’ll show you. When the chips are down, these… these civilized people, they’ll eat each other. See, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve…Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can’t savor all the… little emotions. In… you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?”-the joker, Jonathan and Christofer Nolan I think… What I mean is, what is it real, what is an illusion? Who are we? I am a bit confused who am I? Will I ever discover it? I wonder…. (I will try to put my thoughts on this topic some other time maybe)
All in all, my anxiety is like a ghost which always follow me from the moment I wake up till I go to bed, sometimes even in my dreams. It`s a case of mild anxiety I don`t have panic attacks, so I guess I should feel lucky. Nevertheless, this ghost which is laying low in my subconscious it made me a slave of my own mind. Anxiety robbed me of so many opportunities and makes me have all sorts of thoughts which torment me, sometimes without me even realising. My prison is my mind and it keeps me from achieving anything… And it hurts… I try to overcome it and escape it but I am a coward and hate feeling uncomfortable and this prison is rather cozy…