Should I Trust My Feelings?


It’s two days from Valentines Day and I still haven’t got me one. Call me a late bloomer why don’t you.

I’ve been experiencing these feelings quite recently now. I once had a thought of what I want to be or what I want from life but it seems like I haven’t smelt the right fragrance yet. Ever get those small nicks of time where you swear you’re smelling something in the moment and it just fades? They think you’re crazy. I feel this strong need in my heart to tell her how I feel but she doesn’t seem like the typical girl.

You see, she’s… different. It’s new. I should probably make some guy friends right. I completely have the ability to do so. Why am I wasting so much time? Sometimes I wish you could freeze time you know? I just get off of this astrology and numerology research. It’s like taking an overdose of nicotine. But both of us connect so well IN MY HEAD. I have so many regrets yet so many bows left untied. Why do I turn into a coward under pressure and why do I feel so out of line when in control?

I was never like these. These forbidden thoughts in my head can break tears and glass. But these thoughts must make their exit as soon as possible. It’s not natural to love LOVE a girl, as the Bible says. As a millenial…I feel played and one step behind. This contradiction isn’t healthy. If you’re going to live you might as well die standing up for something you believe in. 

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah…my brain filled with thoughts and needs to be cleaned out oh so well with some vinegar and bleach. But these days, I feel empty. I want somebody to connect with so bad that it kills me’s forbidden…it may never be… it’s a SIN.

But no, It seems as if I keep straying from this topic.

Rum and Raisin Brownie

She barges through the door with such pride. Her presence is magnetic and that voice makes red roses dying such a beautiful sight. Browless yet a social butterfly transforming into a chameleon with everyone she meets. That confidence is undeniably there and yet so self-sufficient having time to crack jokes that never disappoint. How can someone be pieced together so well. I really really want to open that brain of yours and see what’s in store. You appear young, yet have the knowledge of a professor. Oh my, I’d be heartbroken if we ever lose connection. Right now, I hate saying I DON’T KNOW for everything. I can die in the next minute and I still would be misunderstood. I’m not a soldier but this luck feels so light when it comes. Maybe by Tuesday I may open up.

These thoughts are thoughts that I can’t discuss with family. Say goodbye to Diaries. hence, why I’m writing here instead. It’s a crazy world out there. I guess I need to read the Bible more as it feels like this is eating me alive. I’m so done with this withdrawal, social anxiety, lethargy. I just want a balance so I’m sure of myself.Who knows what tomorrow may bring. I hope I have a thought with conclusions.

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