I Dont Love:

Being in love was something I always thought about when I was younger, but as the years passed and the time ticked away, the older I got and the more I realized I don’t know if I ever knew how to love. In fact I don’t think I am able to love not really.
Sure I care for people and sure I don’t want the ones I care for to die, or to leave me. But its just that I don’t want them to leave me.
Of course I love my family.
But I don’t mean them, I mean the other people in my life other than family, people like my friends and my fiancé.
Sometimes I feel they are a relationship of convenience, and once they no longer benefit me what good to me are they? And would I keep them, in a sense.
Call me a narcissistic person, but I know what I am feeling is wrong, and I don’t mean to be this way, but I cant help the way I feel.
My fiancé for an example he loves me truly, sometimes I have no idea why. But he does and I know this to be true because of his actions. I have always said he loves me more then I love him. An I believe our relationship is one sided. But he still keep’s keeping on. Even with all the shitty things I have done.
He still stays, call it stupidity but I believe its a form of love.
Or fear.
Either way its something I don’t possess. I like to say that I lack empathy.
But sometimes, I know it’s  humanity that I lack.-

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