“Why Me?”

This moment of my life houses so many feelings… I always said I didn’t want to be an “old mom” and that I wanted to have kids by now. Now I question if I will ever have them at all… And I have never been that “woe is me” girl when it comes to Valentines day. Sure, everyone wants romance but I’ve never been the kind to throw pity parties over being single. At least until this year. I have multiple friends going through the motions of falling in love and getting proposed to and while I absolutely adore love, I am starting to get a little jealous! I would’ve never thought, yet here I am. Anyways, all of this leads me to the real reason I am writing. My cousins wedding. My cousin is the most kind hearted, amazing human being there is! We have been through so much together. From our long term relationships that eventually ended and the heartbreak to follow, to rebound boys and her now soon to be husband. And this time last year she was worried sick that maybe he didn’t want to marry her after all because if he did, why wasn’t he proposing? And I remember telling her that I was certain he was planning something, despite his reputation for not being good at keeping secrets, I feel like wedding proposals are a whole nother level of secret keeping and planning ha-ha. And sure enough, just a few days later, he proposes! And not only does he propose but he has a photographer and their families hiding in the crowd! Talking about winning! And I couldn’t wait because she told me I needed to start planning to be in a wedding! I was beyond eager. I started planning all the details in my head, like when I would fly down and how I could help in the meantime. This is the kind of wedding you wait your whole life to be a bridesmaid in. And never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that the following month would be the surgery that changed my life forever… And a year later, I’m forced to tell her I’m unable to be in the wedding. I think this conversation was harder than breaking up with my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years… Or at least equal to. To say it broke my heart is an understatement. I am so sick to my stomach and I’ve been crying for hours… This past year has been one defeat after another, yet I remain hopeful. I keep fighting. I keep the faith that my miracle, my comeback, is on its way if I just keeping trying…But you can find other doctors, other therapies, other medicines. But you don’t get a second chance to attend a wedding, to be a part of it, to be there for her… And tonight I let her down. I disappointed her. And it leaves me in a place I strive to stay far away from. A place where I can’t help but to ask “Why me?”… A place where I feel like what happened to me and where I’m at in life is “unfair”. I have been independent my entire life. I have worked hard to rent a home without roommates while saving to buy, I worked hard to spoil my dog and my family and my friends. I worked hard so that when I got asked to be a bridesmaid, there wasn’t an ounce of hesitation when considering money, time off, etc. And a year later I put forth my best effort to work hard in other ways, like spending time with my nieces, school, the gym and constantly seeing new doctors and striving to make my comeback so I can get back to work… But none of that changes the fact that in this moment, I no longer have the means to make this wedding happen… And all I can do is sit here with the anger and the sadness and all the shitty feelings that are here because of it… 

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