As I lied down last night, tears streamed down my own face. I lied next to someone who has told me time and time again about his own love for me, but I can’t believe him. I have tried, but there is something within me that refuses to believe him. I have myriad excuses as to why this can’t be true. Physically, I’m doing everything in my power to make it so I can look upon it and become satisfied, knowing intellectually that this is not the right way to do it. I need to think with the end in mind, happiness is the first step and all will follow after. I’ve read so many of these self help manuals, articles, psychology debates that I know this song by heart. But the last wall before I can even try to accept any of this is “Prove It”.
And I don’t know how.
But as these tears flowed from my eyes (yet again… I don’t know why I’ve become so much for emotional), all I could think was why I felt like this, like I’m consistently never good enough. Like I don’t deserve any of this that I’m getting. And that simply rips into my own heart especially with the rampant disbelief that I experience constantly. I am on the verge of quitting all the time, but I know I have to keep going. I can’t stop… but goddamnit, am I bloody, bruised, and tired. I was like this even before I showed up here. But now… I’m even more tired, and all I can think about is stopping. I’m on the verge of something, I know it, but what, I’m not sure.
But then it dawned on me. I think my personality is totally and utterly abhorrent. Is there anything about me that isn’t about camouflage? What am I trying to hide from everyone?
I guess I might as well come out with it.
I’m needy. I’m clingy. I have abandonment issues. I am vulnerable most when I’m around people I give such a shit about that it hurts. I feel too much and if I do nothing about it, this happens. I get emotional. I feel a tightness in my chest and through my own intestines, trying to digest this poison that keeps getting released into my own blood. Why do I continually subject myself to such pain? Remember, I am insane. Only the insane do this.
I consistently monitor myself to ensure I am not annoying. I monitor myself to make sure I am not being invasive. I want human touch so badly, but I never know how to ask for it. Also, I don’t want to give the wrong signals nor do I want to relive those years where there was no one… and all I wanted was for someone to just give me a hug and tell me that everything was alright, that this pain that I was experiencing is par for the course: everyone goes through it. Everyone can understand this. Yet, why does this seem most difficult to me? Even years after, why now am I reliving all of this? All the issues, the vulnerability, the lack of faith within myself. History is repeating again, and I am a sinking ship. And I don’t want to drag anyone else down with me, but I am struggling to breathe and keep my head above water… but how can I keep this up when the forces below these dark waters keep pulling me under and others are reaching out to me? Do I give in to the deep dark below, or do I reach out?
Why can I never believe it when people say that they like me? I have so many counter arguments that they all seem to stack up against all of them… all of their reasons. I go, it’s because you don’t know what I’m capable of. You don’t know what I truly think or the reasons I do the things I do. I’m not altruistic. But then… yet… I do the things I do for what reasons? What are my reasons for the things I do? Why do I put myself through the fitness routines I do? I do it because I can’t sit and do nothing. I’ve done that for too long and I can’t sit and watch my life go by. I’m going to do what I can to be in the best shape I can be to overcome the demons within me. I harness these beings within me as a safety net, thinking this malfeasance is a saving grace when really they almost drove me to my own demise. And they continue to try to take me. I know I must face my own madness, but I’m not quite ready to face them head on quite yet. I still have defenses I have to create, some plan to go against these overlords that have taken me into their thorny arms and promised me softness when all they have done is drawn blood. The only blood I want to give is not as tribute to some other. Not even to my darker half. I see my darker half; I understand its purpose, and even its utility…. But when it comes to these demons, they have no use but as my chains to hold me.
Yes, I realize that there are many aspects of my personality that are ugly, that no physical activity will remedy. But I can’t stand by and do nothing. This indecision, this possession of my inherent flaws and holding these tarnished cups like treasure when there is a grail behind me…. Why can’t I see the grail that everyone sees? Why am I blind to this? Why do I not see the gifts?
Why am I still so blind to myself? Why can’t I believe the words of those I call my friends?