P.S. Pasted Vents

I ended up not doing the crap I said I was going to do yesterday. I’M SUCH A COWARD!!!! Btw, is avoidant personality really a thing or is there just social anxiety? I find myself having decent conversations with people at random but once I get closer to someone it gets harder to communicate. Ugggh

Today was supposed to be lucky. Where’s the fucking luck?! This is frustrating.

I don’t want this person to die before I say the things that are just piling up in my mind and I really have this strong fear of losing people I have not fully connected with. It sounds selfish but then again you can’t save, love or hate everyone.

We’re all imperfectly pieced together to form an non-explainable beauty. It’s frustrating when you know you can do something to improve a situation but in turn play along just so you won’t stand out to much and get unnecesary attention. I HATE IT so much but I try not to ponder on it too much.

All this thinking isn’t really good for my health. I miss the days when I used to exercise and bake and talk my mind so freely to the point when it was so easy to be vulnerable. But now, people just want a temporary relief and just go about repeating the same mistakes that they promised they wouldn’t do.

What is up with this feeling of knowing that we’re worth more than what we put ourselves to be but don’t take the necessary steps to achieve our highest point? I really admire those who are completely honest in themselves and their beliefs and don’t even give a flying fart about what anybody else thinks. That’s beauty to me.

I need…a connection. And I need to deal with my past so badly that it kills me inside with memories unexpectedly. I often regret why i stopped talking to my old school mates. I feel as if I grew up too soft although my dad was strict. This dependence on people for things isn’t really getting me anywhere. What am I now without my parents or people to stand up for me. All I really have going for me are my calves and continuous will to improve. Back again to this woulda, coulda, shoulda…. almost to the core but still on the cool side.

I really don’t know why I am spending all this time typing in a diary that nobody may ever read when I have exams in less than 90 days. I am basically putting my trust into an inanimate object to keep my thoughts flowing. Oh, and lessons tomorrow.

I’m not sure if I can keep any promises mom or dad but I just want to make you happy and I know that you are working hard towards my future. But, I sometimes wish you were a bit tougher. It’s my road to travel down and the road still needs some pitch. Too many rocky contradictions. Finding my way home seems quite treacherous but I know there’s always a solution to every problem. I just hope that I can take my own advice and not be so stubborn or butthurt to people’s opinions sooner or ater. BE A MAN! well..woman XD

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