I’ve been doing this now for about the last 45 minutes, which is weird, because this is only the first sentence. I had written something, but then I deleted it. Then, I wrote something else. I might’ve got a little carried away in that second attempt. But then I deleted that too. Why do I keep deleting things, he asked rhetorically? Because I’m not really sure what I should be writing about. I think it’s kind of cliche to open a journal and get all emo about “this part of life sucks” or “I’m so unhappy with that person.” Then again, here I am…being all emo. I mean, I feel emo. And I’m journaling, which is pretty emo, when you think about it.
So, what am I being emo about? Well, that’s just a dumb question, because of course I know what I’m being emo about. But why? That’s better. Why? Why am I so unhappy? What is it in my world that makes me so sad? Did I lose control? Lost all my friends? End up someone I never thought I’d be?
When I think back about 20 years to the person I was, thinking what I’d be 20 from then…I don’t think I’d be that guy. I’d have hoped to have done more things right and less things wrong. Ideally, I’d like to get back on track and maybe get closer to being that person I was supposed to be, but I’m not sure it’s really possible. I’m not sure how to get there.
Truthfully, I just want to move forward. I’d like to move on, but that’s hard too.