Its been a long time since my last journal entry and if I’m honest (to anyone who decides to read this) it has all gone to shit…
My fiance has left, I have lost my home, I am back to square 1 in my life entirely and asking people for help? Just seems to get me kicked in the face with a big fat “fuck off no”
The list of services that we have in this fucking country and I get told that I have “no choice” but to squander my child’s education and trap her in a system of homelessness with me for the next year, that I have no choice but to blame myself for a situation that was entirely out of my control, that at least if I do it alone I will have no one else to thank but myself… What about until then?
Until I actually have to ability to help myself, ie have a job again, pay my own rent and the rest of the crap the is the brutality of “normal life”, I am on less benefits than anyone else in the country (trust me I checked. 150 every 2 weeks and 20 pound in between) during which I have to pay for every thing that I lost when my house went.. So forgive me if I ask for some money off the father of my children to have him tell me no… But that he wants me to come down with the kids this weekend… I ask my family for a cigarette they make me feel like a scab… Which is only made worse by the fact that I feel like a scab, waiting for this is or that recomendation or sorry you can’t apply for this house you don’t have a guarantor… But I will be working soon… Yeah that doesn’t matter anymore not to anyone.
I’ve noticed I’ve started ranting instead of writing which means I’m writing angry which never bodes well for the poor soul who tries to read it, for that I am sorry.
Things will sort themselves out I know but until then I wish everyone would stop making me feel so fucking horrible about it all, at the end of the day I have already put EVERY SINGLE fucking thing I have to in place so that things will go smoothly when the time comes for everything to be sorted….
Being reminded of ALL the things that are fucked in your life constantly is so depressing, degrading and fucking heart breaking, that the next few months I have to spend sleeping on a sofa bed are possibly going to be the ones that break my already shattered heart…