tears again

today is the 1 monthiversary of my classmate lisanna’s death. it hurts to remember. that monday, when we were all clueless, and the principal spit it out just like that. it aches to remember her smile. was it really suicide..?

i was supposed to have proyecto misionero today. i went to school timely, at 2pm. its 6:00pm and i just got home. why? nobody told my boyfriend and i there was actually no proyecto today. my boyfriend had no trouble getting back home since he lives just a few streets away from school. but me? i had a hell of a day. i broke my 1 day streak of not crying.

dealing with stupid people is the worst source of stress there is. specially when everyone blames it on you anyway. “youre stressing yourself out”. i have so much to do i cant think of anything else. i am speechless because im shaking nervous and anxious. nobody seems to understand. mom gets home and watches tv until 11pm. emil gets home and does nothing the whole day.

i havent stopped working for 2 or so years, except for when other people (family or else) take me out. i havent watched anime in a year. i used to watch 25 shows a week. but now? just one. i still havent played pokemon sun which i preordered back in july 2016.

i cant stop thinking to myself this will never end. i cant stop thinking to myself its the fault of all these stupid people. people keep telling me to do things, and when i cant do them, they dont even bother. 

everyone’s so lazy and it fucks me up so much that nobody can do things right. maybe im being stupid. nobody likes people like me. i cry all day, work all day, yell all day. if you’re reading this you probably think im being whiny and annoying. i think so too.

dad is coming home after a year and we’re going to the airport at 7pm to pick him up. im nervous and ive just been crying the whole day over my stupid classmates’ bullshit. i want to be happy but other people ruin it everytime. im chronically depressed. ive been for years. its so hard for me to be happy, and when i finally am, someone else just has to ruin it for me. im glad yesterday was great, but i feel like all the misery i missed is coming back today doubled. 

i pray to god he helps me through this. i just want everything to end. i want to be free and do things i like. i want to be myself 


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