Why Is This Happening?

Ever since I was in middle school, I had this feeling that I wasn’t good enough for anyone or at anything. I thought my life was a joke. But as I got older my life started to look up it seemed like. I was on the high school dance team, I had great friends, family, and a steady job for a high school student. Then I came to college, and I lost friendships, my family started going down hill, and my life was crumbling around me. I was never very academic, so when I came to college I instantly started slacking. I had bad grades, failing my tests, and barely went to class. My parents were so proud of me for going to college. And I was so happy because I made them so proud. But when it cam time to leave, I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay and keep watching my little brother grow up, help my mom go through the toughest time of her life, and spend more time with my dad because I didn’t spend enough with him before I left.

             So my life was a mess. And soon enough, I broke. After all the nights where my “best friend” would neglect me and not include me in any plans anymore, I gave up. I’ve only been like this twice before. It was my freshmen year when I let a stupid boy into my life, and he wrecked my world like a tornado. But I overcame that. I told myself I didn’t need that kid of negativity in my life anyways. And I was good for so long. Until I was stupid enough to let that very same destructive tornado back into my life. And he wrecked my world again. I slipped so hard that year that I thought I almost lost myself. I’m still not completely healed from that last storm. And for some reason I’m attached to this storm. I don’t hate the storm for flipping my world upside down all those years ago. No not at all. We’ve made amends since then. Every now and then, I actually wish it would reappear in my life. But things happen when they happen.

             I just want things to simple. Simplicity is key in my life. I don’t like drama, confrontation, chaos. None of it. I just want to have a good and happy life. But I never get what I wish for. No, instead I’m stuck at this college that I don’t want to be at with people I don’t want to live with. My life is slowly flipping upside down yet again and it wasn’t even the tornado. No it’s just slowly unraveling its self. I want to be doing things I like to do in a place that I know and am comfortable in. I don’t belong here and I don’t want to be here any longer. its making me go back to my dark place. And nothing good happens when I go there. College has been the worst thing of my life. It has made me realize how much I loved my old life. Before everything had to become so god damn complicated. I have no real friends here and I don’t see the purpose of being here if I’m not having a good time. I hate college and at this moment in time; I hate my life. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do at this point. I’m so close to giving up and I just can’t deal with any of this anymore.

I have always had such BIG dreams for my life. And that included having the time of my life at college. And just not caring what people thought of me so I can just be ME. But now all those plans I had a crumbling away. What do you do when you can see everything you’ve ever dreamed of washing away at your fingertips and you just don’t know how to catch it? I just want to push rewind and redo everything. Go back to when times were simple.

My college experience hasn’t been the best. I tried, for a while at least, to make the most of it. Because you know it’s college. but for some reason, I didn’t like it. At. All. I hated it actually. I came to college with who was my best friend at the time, and now I don’t even know if I can consider us friends. She replaced me with one of our roommates, and I think that’s when it really hit me, that I didn’t want to be here. Being here made me go into this deep dark spiral that I’ve never saw coming. I thought this was going to be the best time of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made some really good friendships that I will cherish forever here, but that wasn’t enough for me I guess.

It sucks, being replaced. I’ve been replace my whole life. Or second best. And I like winning, so second isn’t my thing. From all the guys I’ve dated, to my friends. I’m the second pick. And I don’t like that. I want to be first in someones life. Just once. To me, when your best friend replaces you, it’s like getting cheated on by your significant other. And it really, really sucks.

-original post on http://notsocydney.blogspot.com –

 

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