Cannot Hold Back

I’m so upset! Everything is going wrong. How can this be happening today?

This journal is intentionally started to vent and be full of drama. I can’t and don’t want to hold back any longer. This build up is driving me insane my mental state of mind is all over the place.  I hope I can accomplish a better way this way, instead of doing something crazy.  Yeah really crazy.  Like how I can be crazy, kind of crazy.

Your mental state will come from a genetic mold. How your relatives were is how you might turn out. True statement! My father was schizophrenic and one of my older siblings got that recessive gene and is also schizophrenic.  BTW one scary disease. I’ve often wondered if maybe I’m a little off or am I just a completely normal person reacting/acting in a completely normal way? lol the only drug I do is 420 I mean that stuff grows naturally, no man made process or chemicals. You harvest it, dry it, roll it and smoke it. All natural how can that be so bad? Today it’s recreational use is now legal in some US states, how about that? My Mom would flip.

Where do I begin, where do I start?  

Comment: Singing helps relieve stress and tension but note be careful singing too loud if your voice sounds better after a few drinks, type of voice.

Baby steps. There’s a ton of things bothering me right now but I’m so excited to start writing down what’s irritating me that I can’t focus. I don’t know how to start. Fuck. Oops sorry yes I swear a lot. That’s me what I’ve become. People get offended I need to make an effort to stop swearing so fucken much shit.

Work was hard today. I’m freaking out. I feel horrible. WTF is this insecure feeling welling up inside of me? I’ve been confident for so long, putting on my “I am a Rock” act front center forward. I am confused I feel blind sided because I really thought I was doing a wonderful job but I’ve come to realize sometimes I see it wrong yet I can’t understand why I felt so strong I was right? 

And then my love life is not good. Hate me all you want my lover is married to someone else and that person wouldn’t be okay with this.  I’m in a bad situation it’s been a while like this. I’m starting to hate everything about the relationship but my lover won’t let me go. They say you make your life the way it is but I did NOT choose this life. I’ve tried several times to end it but unsuccessful mostly because as I said, my lover won’t let go of me.

Not that I even have a lot. Or any friends. Tried to kill myself more than 3x in my life am I that pathetic and worthless? I tried to see a professional therapist, he was an older Asian male psychiatrist that said nothing I could relate to or anything to offer some kind of advice? Be a fucking friend not a robot working with a clock ticking in the background waiting to complete my 1 hour session.

I’m not appreciating my life or living …. again….. right now. I am full of sadness and negative thoughts. I feel like I am drowning.

One thought on “Cannot Hold Back”

  1. Swim!
    Don’t let the current push you under.
    Take a step back from everything, look at the things in your life that are positively contributing to your well-being and those that are not, get rid of those that aren’t.
    That ‘lover’ doesn’t love you.
    Don’t do that to yourself.
    It’d okay to be scared under your ‘Rock’ front, we all are, just don’t let that fear become who you are.
    And if you ever do need someone to talk to, please reach out to me.
    Anonymous so i’m only interested in making you see that you can appreciate life and living and that you are filled with purpose.

    Stay Strong

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