Valentines day just passed yesterday and I’m finally thinking it’s time to let go of my ex(we were together for two years before I broke up with him recently.)
I really feel it’s time. I’ve lost all feelings for him, even-though I wished it could have worked. I’ve really clung onto him after, just as friends, I was so attached to him. Then I keep remembering why we broke up and I feel so disgusted with him. I’m literally SICKENED. I feel so awkward around him and just as if I’m tired of seeing him or talking to him.(Like I want him gone)
One of the reasons we broke up was because the first time we were on our own while we were out, he thought maybe that was the time to “make a move”, in his mind. I wasn’t mentally prepared, I didn’t even know what happened until it was over. While we didn’t have sex, it was still one of those situations where I froze up and didn’t move(mind went blank).
I wasn’t scared (Didn’t know how to say no). I just sat their like an idiot. After he finished up and left, I decided it wasn’t that big of a deal but I still wasn’t charmed by it(Obviously). Needless to say, it happened again a few months again when I again froze up and sat there, let him finish up, then felt stupid after. He called me pretty and beautiful. He thought I was ready when I wasn’t, wasn’t really his fault. However, the next day when he went off to school he told me I was “pretty ugly last night”, which shocked me completely. Felt like I had been back-handed across the face. I’m even more angry now because it took falling out of love to realize everything that’s happened. Actually I feel used and like I was sexually assaulted, even if that’s not the case.
I used to love him, not anymore. I feel a bit sad and violated to be honest. My breasts were always too big for him since I was a D cup(Thought maybe being bigger was better, but guess not), I’m a little thick, my hair is a bit curly, and I’m apparently not attractive. That night I wasn’t attractive, but then I don’t understand how he could use me for his sexual desire if I wasn’t, honestly makes zero sense.
I ignored him for two days after he called me ugly, after I opened myself up and trusted him not to ruin it, and the part that pissed me off the most was that he was angry at me for ignoring him. Clearly pisses me off. I cried a lot some nights because of him. I’m too mentally and emotionally exhausted for a long-term relationship for a while.
I didn’t even give him permission to do anything to me, that makes me angry even-though he thought I was ready. He want’s kids later on but admits his job would cause us financial difficulties, which is why I thought he is a bit “stupid” when he thought that one out. Someone has to be at home with the kids, and someone needs to be financially stable.
Not to mention he clings to his mother and also that he has weird fetishes that makes me feel weird about him whenever I think about it. Slowly I’ve drifted from him, and I rarely have talked to him since last February. I feel very weird about him now to be honest.
I’ve thought about blocking his phone number and just stopping it altogether even-though we’re just friends now and he’s pretty reliant on me emotionally. I hate to hurt him, that’s what’s made me hesitant. My mother said he wont ever change if he hasn’t by now and she’s probably right. I’m really not sure what to do. He just gave me my birthday gift in December. I feel like I might look like a gold digger if I do anything now.