A different kind of bond (?)

Okay so, TPE guy.

Forget the Taurus boy for now.

 I can’t say this guy likes me. But I can’t say he DOESN’T.  He is all sorts of confusing but he’s never upset me intentionally. Except when he started dating that girl and that wasn’t to INTENTIONALLY hurt me, even though at the time I wanted to rip my fucking heart out. 

He’s smart and thoughtful. I always thought I’d have a little girl crush on him. I saw him when I was 18 and immediately became infatuated. So much so, I followed him right out of my job. He intrigued me more when I saw he didn’t mind my younger presence. 

Out of all the PEOPLE I’ve met, he sticks out a lot. And I’m not even trying to romanticize him. He honestly is a different type of soul. I can talk to him on a variety of subjects and lose track of time. When he tells me about his younger years I listen dreamily. He lived out exactly what I wanted to. I was very sheltered and often wanted to explore the forests at night. And when he tells me about all the times he sneaked out and did crazy teenager things, I feel excitement. I feel my heart race. I’ve come to realize, that I am someone close to him. And I also realize, he doesn’t waste his time on  just anyone.

He TRULY doesn’t waste time on anyone he doesn’t want to. He is a very logical, guarded person. He is also EXTREMELY sensitive. He shuts down when people laugh at him. I think it’s kind of adorable.

Since turning 21 (he did mention we might hang out some day when I turned 21 lol) we’ve gotten very close. We’ve stayed up smoking (yes we’re ganja friendly) until 4 a.m. watching anime and playing video games and hit the bars and its been so much fun every time. I feel like I’ve never had so much fun hanging out with someone. 

I feel like I’m honestly okay with just being friends with him because I’m not sickened at the thought of him being with another girl like he was. I’m okay with what we are. 

One thing has been weight on my mind for awhile though. He tries so hard to pair me and DB (Taurus boy) up but, DP thinks TPE guy has an underlying crush on me as well? They’ve been best friends for 10+ years so I sort of trust his judgement. When I brought this to TPE guy’s attention while he was driving me home one night, he immediately reiterated that me and him were just friends. It was in a kind, all-to knowing tone. And I was completely okay with it. But then he continued on: “I will admit that sometimes you do fit the bill as a nerdy partner. But… there is just that level of maturity…” AND THEN I CUT HIM OF SORT OF BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT HE’D EVER EVEN COME CLOSE TO SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT and switched the subject. 

Among other small, special moments (at a small gathering I tied up my hair at some point and asked if I looked acceptable. Which he then responded with “Why did you tie up your hair?” and I stammered “U-um… I don’t know because it was weird looking I don’t know dude.”. He smiled and said “Let your hair back down, it looks nice down. I like it down.”) dating back to when I was 18, I’ve observed he is not like this with everyone. He’s very guarded where as I am not. He’s let me in. I always thought he was keeping me out by not wanting to hang out. But this entire time he’s helped through so much emotionally and has defended me to so many. He’s let me in. Hanging out with me was just letting that final wall down. And I feel something for him. I don’t know what. But I look at him with so much adoration. He inspires me and encourages me in every aspect. He’s amazing and his mind is expansive and even that word can’t do his brain justice. He is honestly a very difficult person to describe, in the best way.  He really is the type of person you could write about for hours because of everything that he is. He is so many things. 

He’s not perfect. He IS human. He does have flaws. But I accept them like he accepts mine. He’s expressed he cherishes our friendship and feels like I’m someone he can confide in and trust. Which again, does not come to him easily. He lets me know whenever I get dolled up, that I look pretty.  He’s told me I’m someone unique.

AND MAYBE I MIGHT BE OVERTHINKING OUR LITTLE MOMENTS. 

But, I’ve struggled VERY strong self image issues my entire life (severely bullied until 9th grade). Not just my looks, but who I am. I feel I’m an irritating presence. Someone people replace after awhile.

 He sees me as everything I’ve ever wanted to be seen as. Someone unique. Someone different. Someone not easily forgotten. He let’s me know that I am different. 

And I hold that so close to my heart.

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Side note, I came across this song about a week or two ago and he came to mind. It’s called ‘Anime Bae ‘… Fuck my life.

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