It’s been one day since I wrote.
I just really hate attention but gosh I need it in order to get respect. It’s frustrating. I find myself so close to the truth of a solution and have to start over from one regret. Guess that makes me hypersensitive or an empath, not really sure. That reminds me, yesterday I got so mad at someone for lifting my skirt that I sweared. The whole class went loud and I just retreated into my safe space, resting my head in my hands as always.
She saw me retreat in that way and I felt so ashamed in myself. I wanted to escape and live on a new planet as if my life was non existent to them in the first place. But, gosh, she’s such a beautiful piece of art to watch and I can’t help but admire the things she does which unravel so perfectly. That is definitely one chuckle I would never forget and those constant jokes. But, yeah, I sit three seats behind her in class…a safe distance, if I do say so myself.
I used to talk to her all the time but have a hunch that if I get too close I’d repel her and never see her again. She’s so open minded and sure of herself that it makes me gush inside. And no…that doesn’t make me queer…just human.
I always keep thinking that one day I’d just talk to her on the green bench in front of my class about things that I believe we relate to a lot and never let her go if we do. I hate how suspicious I get when I’m around her. I grow tense and try to play it cool and then it dies and I have thoughts in my head, “What were you thinking?….are you CRAZY?????!!!”
-Thanks for the quote Croce 😉
Well..I don’t know…I mean I’m not really sure if I just really admire her or have a huge crush on her. Either way she’s so magnetic.
That reminds me, I also ended up watching thing LGBT movie called “First Girl I Loved” and it turned out to be a true masterpiece. What is it with me finding an addiction to watching all these gay films? Does that make me gay? I really don’t want to think of falling into the pits of fire anytime soon. It’s weird that I watch straight films and feel no tension in my body but can feel the emotion whereas if I watch a gay film my right hand begins to tingle for some reason and my heart beats faster. Whatever it is…I want to explore it and find out why it keeps on happening.
It’s frustrating. I don’t want to reach the age of twenty and still have no story to tell of mistakes or fist times. Most of all….I don’t want people to start guessing if I really am straight for not dating anyone at the moment. What it if I just am drawn to a person by mind stimulation. Well, that’s all I have on my mind now. That and exams to determine my future in less than 70 days (slowly panics).
I really think that I should pull out my Bible today. I just hope this works.