I’m very upset at myself. While I’ve been trying to exercise, it’s been extremely hard. I lack the motivation to even do a small hour’s worth of walking or jogging. I keep becoming pre-occupied while exercising-I think of games I can play instead of being outside sweating to death. I also think of the schoolwork or studies I could work on instead of being outside and sweating. I keep thinking it would be okay to maybe cheat a bit and not exercise, do it tomorrow, but I never do. Maybe instead of doing an hour, 45 is enough. Maybe I can wait until it cools down, there are less people around. As if I’m creating excuse after excuse.
I’m also feeling like it’s okay if I get fat anyways since I can be happy that way, not like I plan on dating, if ever. Like I will never find someone who finds me attractive enough so why bother? I can’t ever become anything thin, so why bother? I wasn’t losing a lot of weight to begin with, I was missing out on eating all that delicious dessert that my family teased me about because I’m on a diet,or maybe I’m too far gone, so why should I even care? I’m sure I’ve gained half of what I lost last year, and I’m bored of exercising.
No matter if people think I look good and tell me that, “I DON’T THINK I LOOK GOOD. I DON’T CARE what they think of me. (I’M NOT HAPPY WITH IT BECAUSE IT’S NOT WHAT I WANT TO BE.)”
I hate sometimes when people tell me I have nothing to worry about, or I look good. They don’t get that I want to change not because of others, for myself. Because I want to feel better about myself.
Yet every-time I don’t exercise, I feel horrible and disgusting and fat and bloated and overall like a failure. Worst of all, I don’t feel like doing anything when I miss exercising.