four point zero

this semester has been kind of terrible in terms of grades and averages. it’s going to be the end of this six weeks tomorrow, but my physics is still just a low b.


english is a low a–three points off from what it was the first six weeks of the last semester. jesus. english. i can’t believe my english has dropped. everything else is about the same or higher–except maybe accounting, which is a bit lower, too. oh god.


how are you supposed to even graduate with a 4.0 unweighted gpa, anyway? how is that even humanly possible? how??? i stupidly thought i could get one, because i wanted to graduate summa cum laude and show up all those stupid people who have told me i can’t, but apparently, revenge isn’t that easy to come by. ugh. oh my god.


i really have to WORK next six weeks if i want my averages to be REALLY high and cancel out the low ones this six weeks. it’s not that i don’t work hard now, but i have to do even better on everything……… i’m scared.


i’m looking up all sorts of scholarships and awards that i could possibly get, but all of them require potential candidates and finalists to be awesome, and i’m not. there are so many people who get better grades than i do. if i’m optimistic about things, if i’m really optimistic, my unweighted gpa at the end of this semester will only be about a 3.96 or so. that’s a whole 0.04 points off from that perfect 4.0, and……. it’s awful looking at colleges, because they’re so expensive, and i don’t have that much money……… then they’re so exclusive. some of them have a 6% acceptance rate. seriously. it’s that frightening. i wanted that 4.0 so badly….. but a single a- will force my gpa down, and that’s what i got in physics last semester. can i bump it up this semester into at least an a…….? maybe. i don’t know. i want to–i’m willing to work if i can. i just don’t really know where to start. and then my english……i don’t want it to be an a-, but that’s what i got–a 94–last semester, and this six weeks is at a 91….. and there are three six weeks that are averaged into a semester grade. i’m almost ready to cry over my grades, even though they’re all a’s and a b, and that’s somehow supposed to be “good”. (it’s not). yesterday night i cried because i got an 85 on a computer programming test and it knocked my average down to a 93, but it came back up to a 97 with 100’s on another test and a job skills grade. i don’t cry about boys, i cry about grades……. it sounds almost stupid to phrase it this way, like i feel like i’m so smart, or something. i just want those grades, the gpa, the credits, the honors, so badly….. if i want to leave this place, this college, i have to get accepted somewhere else, somewhere amazing, somewhere with a huge scholarship, so my parents will let me leave.


tomorrow is friday, thank god, thank god. monday is an off day so i’ll have three blessed days to sleep and do whatever i want, as i won’t have any projects to worry about until the next six weeks begins. i’m just…… tired. all the time.


i tried looking for my heart again, on the staircase, but even my two friends couldn’t find it. it just wasn’t there. oh well. i almost wish someone really shy and cute had taken it to give to me, but that would never happen. i suspect someone who secretly despises me just ripped it off, or something. i can definitely see that happening.

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