Day 1:Crazy maybe?

I just woke up at 3:30AM last night. I’ve been making lots “of-the-moment” decisions. Maybe too risky to do? I don’t really mind what decisions I make, as long as they are carefully thought out. At this point they have to be. I guess. I’m a bit exhausted this morning since I got four hours of sleep. I ended up studying from 3am until 8am, 5 hours.(Did I count that right?)

So far I have all A’s in my class(Beginning of the year so no big deal), so I’m pretty thrilled about it because I actually have been doing better than I usually would at the beginning of the year. Now I decided to start doing only an hour a day in 30 minute intervals for exercise.  I noticed the coffee from this morning boosts my mood, maybe because it’s a stimulant.I’m trying to better plan everything. I’ve agreed to see the doctor to figure out if my mood-swings and my other body issues might be a concern and if it’s just some hormonal imbalance.

I might need therapy maybe, I’m not fond of that idea. I don’t want to get diagnosed with anything. I don’t want someone to think I need a handicap or something. When I was nine I used to attempt suicide without even understanding the bigger picture of what exactly dying was, I’m MUCH better now.

I feel like somehow all these mood-swings helped me throw away any bad influences thankfully. Work of God in disguise of pain?Maybe. I’m going to read the bible today, I really feel it’s all I have at the moment, God.

I felt alone, since I got rid of my ex(best friend and ex-boyfriend), I feel like I’m losing my other best friend and I really don’t have my family needing to deal with anything. Worst of all I am strangely suspicious that some of my friends aren’t actually my friends, so I’ve thrown away about half my friends.I guess you can say I’m doing spring cleaning?haha. My parent’s have never been happy about my emotional issues. It would be hard asking for help, if I need it or not. Whenever I decide to go for therapy suddenly things get better, so might be the same case this time?

When I was younger I was abused by a family member, might be why I’m so screwed up. It was 13 years of abuse. I don’t like pity to be honest, so I avoid speaking about it but I really need an excuse for losing my marbles. I just want to live a normal life, even if I might not find someone who will love me even with all my issues from my past. (Not just family, I want to get married one day and have a family of my own hopefully.)

Even-though I’m a teenager, I’m usually happy and my moods are stable and I rarely get depressed or angry. I’ve snapped at most of my friends by now, I’m sure no one want’s to be my friend since I seem crazy. Maybe I am? There’s someone who will accept me, hopefully. I really am not in any condition to make friends, no one want’s a depressed friend, so it’s best I get better somehow, even if I have to pull myself together and quit feeling sorry for myself(if thats the case?)

I’m lonely, I hate talking about my issues to strangers, but that’s all I have. I guess being anonymous is good. People can hear all my screwed up issues and not even know who I am. I can pretend it never happened if I want or run away from them out of shame for my past and hopefully they will forget about me. Sometimes I feel like I will go crazy, that I’m all alone. 

Even when I really had no one, I could only cry to God. I would cry when I was 11 years old and beg God for forgiveness for something that wasn’t my fault. I even accepted my sin was too great, for two years I was repenting for something not my fault(My abuse). I asked for answers if maybe I can or cannot be forgiven by God. That day I found my answers and all that pain was relieved. I was never one to read the bible often and I basically never thought about God, but he did give me hope and answered my desperate cries for help when no one else would.

He did take away my pain, so I have proof he exists. I gladly accept any pain life gives me or obstacles in my way, it makes me only all the more relate-able to others and able to understand others. During the years I’ve learned pain helps you grow, of course not all the time, but at times.

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