Nightmares

I just had one. I’ve only been asleep may an hour when a horrible nightmare woke me up. I had to take a shower because I had sweat all over my body. When I have nightmares, I am a big baby. I want to be held and calmed down. I should of known my sister talking to me would of caused this. 

I love my family. I love them with all of my heart. I’d bend over backwards or walk through fire for any of them. My sister and I haven’t had the best relationship. When I was a kid, we did have a good relationship. Things changed when she had Jager. She wasn’t ready to have a baby, but thinking since she was married, she should have a kid. I was just about to turn 12 when Jager was born. Kids my age were playing games, having sleep overs. Not me. I spent all my time with Jager. My sister was always leaving him to go party and her husband was always working because she spent every cent he made. If I had a kid now, I don’t think I’d leave them in the hands of a preteen. 

She would always threaten to take him away and not let me see him, if I didn’t do something she wanted. That’s when things changed. Years later, she had Jolie. I was about to be a senior in high school. I didn’t have the chance to take care of her as much as Jager, Jolies dad was very strict. That’s didn’t last long when my sister and him Divorced. 

Once I got married, that’s when everything changed. She always wanted to compete. Compete about anything and everything.  She’d always been a good sister, took me prom shopping, taking me to the best salons, go on vacations. It’s hard to think of those good times because of all the other things she has done. 

She starting drinking when she was 20. Every year, she drinks more and harder things. She was such a beautiful woman. I had always wished to be like her. She had the blonde hair and I had brown. I wanted blonde hair like hers. She had the best looking legs. And a killer smile. She doesn’t haveanything like that anymore.

She’s dyed her hair darker, her smile looks like she frowns. She looks 10  or more years older than she really is. Her eyes are full of anger and I hate to say it, but hatred. 

She has decided to tell me that she wants to be in my life again. After losing mama, she still blamed me for everything. Now that my brother is gone, she said family needs to stick together.  Once upon a time, I would of immediately said yes. Not anymore. She’s married now to my ex. I’ve only been in love twice my whole life. He was one of them. She married him to hurt me. Did it hurt? Absolutely. Not because I was jealous, but because of her intentions. He did it to get my attention. Why would be think I’d willingly give my attention to someone who is sleeping with my sister. Married my sister. Like I’d ever be romantically involved with him again. 

I just can’t let her or him in. I can’t be trusting and allow that. The second I turn my back, I worry there will be a knife there and I just can’t. It hurts, but I know with all my being, they did it to themselves. I won’t allow it. 

I’ll try to be cautious when telling her because I know she’ll go off. I think deep down in my heart, mama would understand why I can’t do this. 

 

Leave a Comment:

SCROLL TO TOP