Sunday February 19th

I went to my first Meetup yesterday. It was at MoMA. I enjoyed the museum and the people were nice. Did not make any friends, though. I will keep going to these events. I am going to one Thursday called Drinking Liberally. I have also signed up for one that is Seinfeld trivia, and I bought a groupon yesterday to go to a music event where Biz Markie will be the DJ. I mostly bought that in hopes of getting a photo with him. It was only $10. 

I have a headache today. I need to clean up my place a little- my bathroom in particular. Sophie’s litter box is awful. She slings that litter all over the floor. I don’t really know yet- I don’t have a system yet- to keep it clean. 

Craig posted a photo on FB this morning. I still love him so much. He is so beautiful. It hurt my heart to see him this morning. Why does nothing ever work out for me? I looked so ugly in my photos yesterday I didn’t really even want to post anything. I am too fat. That is a fact. I need to lose about 20 pounds, but you’d never know it the way I’m scarfing down candy and cookies. I am eating as a coping mechanism. It’s better than drinking or drugs, I guess, but still not good. I have got to stop and get my shit together. I need to get back on an eating plan and stop just eating whatever. 

My head hurts, my bathroom is dirty, I’m fat, I’m sad, I’m lonely. 

Later, that same day…

This OK Cupid thing is exhausting. Holy shit. There are a million people on there and it’s just so much. I would rather be looking at shoes. I hate shopping for a boyfriend. It is so ridiculous. Why is it so hard for me to find anyone I like? And then when I do, they hate me? I really don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m feeling really ugly right now.

I am feeling gut punched after seeing Craig’s picture. What the fuck? Why does that still hurt? It’s so hard to keep going when I am so unhappy. The move has been a good distraction, but now I’m missing Noah so much. 

I am trying to find my way. I don’t think I belonged in Kentucky, but I’m still struggling. I’m so lonely. I was lonely there, too. I am trying. I have got to get it together. 

One thought on “Sunday February 19th”

  1. Change is just hard. You are doing great! Give it all time, you just upended your whole life. Most people don’t have the strength or courage to do that.

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