him

We all meet very important people when growing up. Me, I’m a 19 year old girl from England. I am a party girl who loves going out to nightclubs on the weekend and drinking my life away. I guess I am that girl people say cannot be tamed? To which I can’t deny. I have never been in a proper relationship.. I would be a liar if I was to say I hadn’t met guys I have liked. That would be a total lie. I have met guys I couldn’t of imagined my life without. I have met guys where I would stay up until 6AM on a weekday talking about politics, aliens and deep conversations like that yet never actually ended up with. Why? I have no idea.

Last October I was in my local nightclub. It was like any other Friday night really. I was dancing at the front of the dance floor with my friend and noticed this guy staring at me. Eventually he made a hand gesture for me to go over, which I did. He asked the usual questions you know? What’s your name etc. He also said ‘You are beautiful’ I said Thank you and he followed me on Twitter and Instagram. That night he messaged me on Instagram but I was so drunk I totally forgot about it. I lurked his Instagram the morning after and found him pretty cute and gave a photo a like. (Modern day flirt at its finest). I then got a DM on Twitter along the lines of ‘How are you going to air (ignore) my DM on Instagram than like one of my pictures?’ And from that moment on he was the guy I was staying up until silly times in the morning till speaking about everything. 

I spoke to him for a few days and we already felt like we knew each other. This guy he travels a lot (Im not saying what he does for work) but one night he asked if I wanted to go along with him which I said yes to. We met and danced and sang the whole journey to Kettering and I would catch myself just looking at him like ‘Oh shit Meg’ He was everything I would of wanted in a person. 

We met up a few times after this and everything was AMAZING. I thought he was the one. There were obstacles along the way don’t get me wrong but I overlooked them. Anyway things started to take a turn for the worst, his ex (baby mom) kept getting involved and I guess a part of me always knew it was going to be her. I started getting jealous, scared and worried. I thought I had lost him before he was anything to lose. One night I went out and kissed someone whilst drunk and told him the morning after. He was hurt but he forgave me and that was it. I learned my lesson and it made me realise how much I wanted him and no one else. 

Christmas eve we went out for cocktails at a fancy venue local to us. It was so chilled and I couldn’t of asked for a better night. My Spanish family were visiting over Christmas and as much as I loves seeing them it was still him I was so excited to see. Anyway we sat in this venue until the clocks turned 12 and it was Christmas Day. Like I couldn’t of asked for a better person to spend going into Christmas with at that point. I guess he felt like home at that moment in time more than home did. Our not so quite relationship was very public very early, everyone seen how happy I was and were so shocked. I never would of said before October I would of been spending Christmas with someone/wanted to. 

We both laughed, we joked, we cried and we definitely terrored the life out of each other. My favourite song still to this day is one he shown me. 

Anyways new years eve came around and we was in Nottingham staying at his sisters student accommodation. We went out and I had the best new years eve spending it by his side. We did that cringe thing where we kissed at midnight like EW (kinda found it cute though). That night his ex text him, she knew about me of course. ‘What does she have that I don’t?’ ‘Does she make you happier?’ I was drunk and obviously seen these texts and of course I just broke down and cried. That fear was always in the back of my head about them two. He reassured me she was his past and no one had made him as happy as I did.

We woke up NYD and I was SO hungover. We rotted in bed like all day and I have never felt so safe in all my life just lying on his chest. He looked at me like no one ever has. He would compliment me all the time, but that one look just made me fall for him. He wasn’t like the boys I had been with, he knew how to make one feel a million. We ordered pizza which took literally nearly 3 hours to come. In that time I slept and I can never sleep yet when I was with him I could fall to sleep in minutes. He also coped with my warthog snoring hahaha 🙁 I didn’t want to move from bed that day. My phone died NYE and I had no charger and anyone who knows me KNOWS that I hate being away from my phone but when I was with him I didn’t feel the need to even use my phone.. Around 6pm NYD I got up and got ready as we was off to Manchester. I stood up and he like honestly looked at me like I was special. I had feelings which I didn’t even think I was capable of having for someone. He made me not want to go clubbing anymore. 

 

After Christmas and NY with him I was literally besotted by him. Everything was perfect and I didn’t suspect anything was wrong. Eveything was just normal between us then. 

The 2nd of January. He dropped me home and that’s when I felt like I got stabbed in the chest. That night he went super cold and it wasn’t like him. He is going away to work in April for 6 months but we had already discussed how we would make that work. But he went on to tell me he couldn’t do it anymore and was ‘saving’ ourselves from getting hurt which was total b*lllocks to me. I continued to ask him what was the real reason behind this. 

 

20 minutes later that’s when what I read felt like my worst nightmare came true. I still remember the pain in my body just reading the first two lines of the huge text message. He basically told me he had hooked up with his ex. What hurt the most was he let me spend Christmas and NY with him with that guilt in his head. I had never felt hurt like it. I cried for ages and was physically sick. Somehow I managed to forgive him and it was the possibly the moment I really should of forgot about him because since then my head is just a confused mess. We basically made up and went back to how we was and then things went bad again and he told me he was still in love with his ex. What i feared from the start. Coming from the lad who looked at you like you was something special, who held your hair back whilst you was sick, who complimented you and whom you felt so at home with was crushing. The one guy I let my guard down for. I can’t really put into words how I felt after that but I still continued to try speak to him. I found out they both was going to try things out again and I kinda left him to it as much as it hurt me. I found myself drunk texting/calling him and one night I did end up with him and doing something I regretted. He knew how I felt. 

Recently we put the past behind us and decided to be civil as we got along so well, but it really isn’t that easy for me. I still care. 17th Feb I met him and we spoke, I broke down and told him how I felt and I seen in his face he didn’t look at me the same. It killed me man. Tonight I’ve stayed in and with tears in my eyes I have decided this is it. I can’t speak to you as a mate. I can’t know if you’re going on a date, you’re speaking to someone else or you like someone else. 

Today I let go.

I’m letting go of the thought that we would ever get it right or that you would come back. I let go of reaching for my phone early in the morning to see if you have text me. I let go of the thought I wanted you more than you wanted me or if you ever actually wanted me in the first place? 

With an aching chest I delete your number and block you on all social media.

Even doing all those things I know that could never forget you.

But I do let go of the past haunting me and in a whisper it was the sound of your voice asking me to stay. Tonight I am letting go of you because I I knew the whole time what we would never be and what I let go of was playing with the possibly of it in my mind.

Today I let go of the pain you caused me when it ended.

Because we both know it didn’t end last night. It ended a while ago and I didn’t want to face or accept it.

It is the day we cross paths and it won’t hurt to see you with her.
Because today hurts but tomorrow is unknown. Today my life begins again because you taught me how to love but more than that you taught what it’s like to not be loved equally in return.

So today I let go of what I don’t deserve and I walk confidently towards something I do.

Even thought you broke me. You have shaped me. 

Meg x

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