Day 20 – 30 Days of Discipline

I don’t think I will ever learn the discipline to make peace with my inlaws.  I’ve tried, I’ve reasoned, I’ve even avoided….and the peace has never come.  Sometimes I think, maybe I’m just over sensitive, I should look beyond my feelings and accept them for who they are.  And then tonight happens, like it always does.  I put on a happy face, go in with a smile, and by the time we are ready to leave I can’t wait to get out of there and never go back. 

Tonight was no exception.  Being told there’s no way I could get any reasonable sleep or like the sun shining in my bedroom window early in the morning, was just the start.  And I always fall into the trap of trying to discuss with them and have them listen to me, but they don’t. They only hear enough to dismiss my opinions or thoughts and tell me the way it is. 

And it just got worse.  The conversation at the front door when she gave back my jar….it hurt my feelings beyond belief….and it was only trumped by Jim bursting out laughing.  Was he laughing at me? Was he laughing because of what she said? Or was he laughing because he thought it was funny she was so mean to me?  Whatever his reasoning, he laughed instead of showing compassion to me. Never has he stood up to them or defended me in front of them. I understand they are his parents, but I doesn’t make it any less hurtful.  And then we don’t speak.  I can’t explain my feelings to him without a fight ensuing, so I just go quiet. It’s just easier than trying to make him understand all the years I’ve been treated this way. 

Maybe that’s the discipline I need to learn….to accept I will never be accepted or find peace with them, and Jim will never speak out to his parents and defend me.  My strength has to come from within myself to stand taller and speak quietly in their presence. 

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