More bout by dad

Went to hospital today to see my dad again. He made it threw the night which the dr was surprised about. He still says the odds are stacked against him. My dad is an awful sight and wish he was ok and me and my sis didnt have to see him like that. He is on a ventilator which enters his mouth, has a pic line threw his nose, IVs all over, his hands are strapped to the bed bc he keeps trying to take out ventilator, need I go on? Spent half of my life pissed off at him for cheating on my mom, doing stupid shit (which hasnt now for awhile), didnt go to my high school graduation, etc but now i am mad at myself for feeling like that even tho i never told him about how i felt! I cant imagine my dad not here anymore. How he has a sense of humor about everything which is where i got it from, how he talks bout burger king fish sandwiches, how he always there for my sister and me, how he was there when my moms ex put her in jail, etc. Before i left to come home i told him i love him and i was going home and be back tomorrow and he kept shaking his head like didnt want me to go. Even tho they got him sedated for the most part he was getting pretty agitated. They had give him medication to raise his blood pressure bc kept dropping…got to 83/47. They got it raised to 122/67 my sister said. Im going back in the morning but as of right now im laying in bed hoping i dont get a call saying we lost him. He signed papers b4 this happened stating to let him die if he couldnt breathe on his own or wouldnt get better and hes a DNR so if he codes there nothing they can/will do. Im just lost and cant talk to anybody about it bc hate ppl pitying me and dont want make them feel bad…ppl keepb telling me to pray. Even if i believe in god what that going do? My dad doesnt deserve die, he only 59! Im sorry if im rattling on but not like can sleep even if wanted to. Just keep thinking bout him and the what ifs. All for now i guess…

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